I have been seeing a woman whom I met online for almost a year. Before we met face to face, we had a number of phone calls, during which she became very sexual very quickly. She asked me the size of my penis (which is slightly above average). Then she told me she liked big penises and that an ex-partner’s was 12in (30cm) long. This made me feel very insecure and I told her this. She said: “It’s only a preference.”
Since then, this issue has surfaced again and again. I know it’s hard to believe, but we haven’t had penetrative sex yet. (Initially, I wanted to take things slow. Plus, she is menopausal and hasn’t been feeling sexual much of the time.) We do have other kinds of sex and she says I am the “best” in this respect. But penetrative sex, for me, is very important. She says I’m “big enough” and that she is sure I’ll satisfy her – but the thought that she “prefers bigger” is devastating. She says she doesn’t understand why she made the original remark. She is sorry, but this doesn’t help. I feel I should walk away, but I have strong feelings for her.
It is very likely that this woman was telling the truth when she said she doesn’t know why she made the initial remark, but it probably came from her own insecurity. Trying to connect with someone new online or by phone can create a lot of anxiety, so some people present themselves as something they are not.
When any woman talks about “preferring big penises”, it’s usually – consciously or not – an attempt to gain power due to a sense of weakness, so it would be wise for you to try to ignore it.
Her words have had the effect of pushing you away but try having a gentle and frank conversation. Hopefully, both of you will get to the point of recognising the other’s insecurities and resolve to work on mutual soothing and acceptance.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
