How Cognitive Dissonance Affects Marriages
Similar to friendships, in marriage, “you will grow and change and make an effort to keep the relationship alive and thriving,” Leikam says. An internal dissonance can result when you and your husband or wife have different views, attitudes, or behaviors. You can love your partner and recognize all they have done to improve your life, and also see that they challenge you in ways that no one else does, or do things that you’re not crazy about.
Sometimes, you’ll just let your partner’s behavior slide, and other times you’ll adjust your own beliefs to be consistent with theirs. But things get sticky when you compromise your values for the sake of the marriage. For example, if you stop volunteering for an organization you’ve always cared about or stop a hobby because your partner doesn’t support it or isn’t interested.
How severe the dissonance is depends on the behavior and how big the gap is between the behavior and your beliefs, Leikam says.
Minor Dissonance
Let’s say you stop playing in a Ping-Pong league with some coworkers because after you get married, you realize it’s cutting into a night you and your spouse have together. Though you enjoy the Ping-Pong league, you realize you’d rather devote that time to your marriage, Ping-Pong is not a passion of yours, and you see your coworkers at the office anyway. The dissonance or discomfort you feel is likely not that great.
Greater Dissonance
Let’s say your spouse gets transferred to a different state for work. The conflict you feel about having to leave behind friends, family, your job, and your old routines to be with your spouse is probably greater.
Embracing Dissonance
And sometimes, dealing with and accepting a bit of dissonance helps marriages last. One study that included an equal mix of teens and adults found that cognitive dissonance had a weak effect on relationship stability. Researchers suggest that other factors, like emotional intelligence and communication skills, play equally important roles.
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So while having conflicting beliefs about your relationship can have a powerful impact on whether you stay in it, it isn’t the main driver — regulating emotions and communicating openly with your partner can be just as important for a healthy relationship.
