My husband and I have one son, in his late 20s. We’ve always been devoted to him, keep in touch on a weekly basis and see him about once a month (he has a busy job and has recently started a new relationship, which seems to be making him very happy).
I never really wanted children, possibly due to my traumatic childhood: an absent, mentally ill father; and a single, emotionally imbalanced mother who made me the centre of her life. When my husband talked about having children, I gave it careful consideration and decided in the end to give it a go. Once our son was born, I embraced motherhood fully. We both adore him.
As he grew up, he naturally distanced himself from us, especially when he started university. He sometimes goes from being warm and friendly to cold and aloof. When my husband once mentioned me being on my own if he were to die first, my son was quick to say he wouldn’t live with me (we hadn’t mentioned such an arrangement). Another time he said he might move abroad and we shouldn’t count on him being around. That hurt, especially as we do not demand constant contact.
In spite of him being very affectionate in birthday and Christmas card messages, I don’t always feel he really cares for us. He once said he felt under pressure having all the focus on him.
How much should a parent seek contact with an adult child? I keep fantasising about an ideal son who wants to spend more time with us.
There was a lot of loss and sadness in your letter, and these are things I think you – however subconsciously – look to your son to heal. That’s not his job and, despite your best intentions, he must sense this need. You’ve raised a successful man who has a career and a fulfilling relationship, and understands boundaries. You’ve done a great job.
But what about you and your needs? I went to consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal. He picked up on what you said about originally not wanting children: “Sometimes when people feel guilty for their negative feelings, they embrace the opposite to compensate. You might feel you can’t let him go because letting go means [to you on a subconscious level] that you didn’t want him.”
double quotation markThe best way to get your son to want to spend time with you is to show him you don’t need him to
Conversely, one of the most helpful things we can do for our adult children is let them know we are there for them but can live without them, so they don’t feel responsible for our happiness. “Your son needs to feel his parents are strong enough together and have a good sustaining relationship that doesn’t need his presence to maintain it,” said Blumenthal.
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Perhaps ask yourself how it felt with your mother? What could she have done differently? The best way to get your son to want to spend time with you is to show him you don’t need him to. I don’t mean in an unloving or neglectful way. But if you could invest in your own life as a person, away from being a mother, this would take pressure off him to fill the gaps. Even in your longer letter you said nothing of your life or what makes you happy.
You may not say that you want your son to ring you/visit X times a month, but he clearly feels pressure to. Face the loss you feel and talk to your husband, a friend or a therapist. You can feel sad about letting go. But at the same time, grow your own life so you can sustain yourself.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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