It can be hard to be nice. When I was a kid, envy would prickle me as I walked past big houses, wondering what it would be like to have my own bedroom. Nowadays I feel a similar torsion in my conscience when I hear that an author friend has secured a multi-book contract. I’m happy for them but there is a part of me that wants what they have.
The Buddha taught that there are “four immeasurables”. They are known as such because, when attained, they are limitless. They are the qualities of compassion, loving kindness, equanimity and empathetic joy: mudita.
Mudita is about feeling joy for another person’s good fortune. Underpinning mudita is the understanding of the interconnectedness of all beings. If someone else feels joy, I too feel joy.
Comparing myself with others is a surefire way to limit my mudita. In a polyamorous context, some people seek to choose “compersion” rather than comparison. This is the happiness a person might experience when they see one of their partners experience the joy of connecting with someone else. Researchers have found that the capacity for compersion can increase a person’s own satisfaction with their relationships.
Feeling mudita is good for me. According to scientists, the capacity for empathetic joy correlates with increased life satisfaction and happiness, the increased likelihood of altruistic acts and better personal relationships.
In neuroimaging studies, scientists have discovered that empathetic joy tends to involve more of the frontal lobe than regular empathy. When I feel happy for someone, I am not having the visceral response of seeing someone in pain. I am also tapping into the planning and decision-making parts of my brain. In other words, empathetic joy appears to involve a choice.
Buddhist teachers explain that each of the four immeasurables has both a near and far enemy. Resentment and jealousy are far enemies of empathetic joy. Near enemies are more insidious and can include an over-the-top reaction; a kind of brittle exuberance when I hear about someone else’s good news, as if I am trying to convince myself that I am a good person. Another near enemy might be over-identifying with the person’s good fortune, contorting the story and making it about myself.
Anxiety is another enemy of mudita. For example, if I am feeling worried about money and I see a friend receive a financial windfall, I might try to feel happy for them. But a part of me is comparing and worrying. These mental acts dampen my happiness for them and their good luck.
Cultivating this kind of joyous attitude is hard. How do I feel happy for someone whom I consider my own personal enemy, near or far?
The Buddhist teacher Vanessa Zuisei Goddard recommends that, as with the other three of the immeasurables, I start with myself. If I wish myself happiness, then I might gradually become more positively disposed to the happiness of others. The author and Buddhist meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg suggests that it might be worth starting with compassion. I might contemplate someone’s suffering, which reminds me that they are just as human as I am. In scientific terms, I am keying into my brain’s emotional response to someone else’s pain, which can soften my heart towards them and allow me to celebrate their happiness.
Scientists also have tips for cultivating mudita. I can watch a football game without taking sides – my dad would turn in his grave! As I watch, I might notice and feel glad for players on both sides of the divide. I might focus on appreciating their skills and this might allow me to celebrate their successes.
Where it is appropriate, scientists also suggest to simply look someone in the eye. This can help me feel happy for the other person when they share good news.
My favourite piece of advice from the experts on developing mudita: let someone do something nice for me. If I can become more comfortable receiving kindness and feel I am worthy of it, I might start to believe that others are, too.
Jackie Bailey is an award-winning author whose nonfiction book about spirituality, The Outrageous Good Fortune of Living (HarperCollins), will be released in 2026. Jackie works as a funeral celebrant and pastoral care practitioner, supporting people to navigate death and dying.
