Key Takeaways
- Narcissistic supply is the need for attention and admiration that helps narcissists feel powerful.
- Being part of a narcissistic supply relationship can harm your self-esteem and may lead to anxiety or depression.
“Narcissist” is a term that can be thrown around loosely to describe people with certain behaviors. But only 5 in 100 people have actually been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, think of themselves as superior to others, and strongly desire to be adored and admired. They feed these feelings through a practice called narcissistic supply.
“Narcissistic supply is the ‘drug’ that the narcissist is addicted to in order to feed their false self (their mask) and avoid their true self and the shame that comes along with that,” explains Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder and director of Bay Area CBT Center. “Narcissism is a shame disorder, and narcissistic supply is what a narcissist gets from other people to mirror, validate their mask, and avoid the deep-rooted shame underneath their grandiosity.”
Narcissistic supply seems to embolden the narcissist, while being detrimental to their supplier.
Why Do Narcissists Seek Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissists use narcissistic supply to feel the “affirmation, applause, and adulation of others.”
They need to feel in control and seek someone who, through their interactions with the narcissist, will help the narcissist feel the power that they crave. Narcissists are fueled by how their supplier responds, whether purposefully or not.
Experts say narcissists thrive on that predictable response. The reaction creates the drive for the narcissist to continue their behavior. If there is no one to react, then a narcissist has no one to exert control over and no one to help inflate their self-image.
Narcissists often also have a fear of being unwanted and unloved. Manipulating others to give them the acceptance they crave is a part of the narcissistic supply relationship.
What Are Examples of Narcissistic Supply?
Realistic examples help paint the picture of what this type of relationship looks like:
- A person insults their significant other to feel better about themselves. “A narcissist puts down their partner in order to lower their self-esteem, making the partner more dependent on the narcissist,” says Alana Carvalho, LMHC.
- A parent continues to pay for things for an adult child to be able to manipulate them. “A narcissistic parent may provide financial support [with conditions] in order to maintain control over their child’s decision-making,” Carvalho notes. Narcissistic supply can also be present in parent/child relationships in other ways. “A narcissist may utilize their child as supply and seek the child’s compliance to help them feel in power such as criticizing or punishing them when they make a decision that goes against their authority,” she adds.
- A person will befriend someone needy so that the narcissist can be seen as a hero. “This sometimes means finding a narcissistic supply that is vulnerable, fragile, sick, mentally ill, impoverished, or dependent, in order to create a relationship with power imbalance and the continual expression of gratitude and appreciation,” Dr. Lev states.
Who Is the Narcissist’s Main Supply?
While friends and associates can be suppliers, the main supplier is often someone close to the narcissist, like a partner or family member.
The Impact of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic supply relationships are unhealthy. Because the narcissist’s goal is to build themselves up at the supplier’s expense, their behavior leaves the supplier feeling vulnerable and with low self-esteem. The supplier can struggle with depression or anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. The feelings a supplier experiences take a physical, emotional, and mental toll.
Narcissists, in turn, feel like they are in a favorable position. They feel empowered, valued, and worthy of esteem. They enjoy the feelings of power and inflated ego. If you’re concerned that your relationship, whether It’s with your partner, co-worker, or parent, may exhibit narcissistic supply, there are signs you can look for.
How Do You Know If You’re Narcissistic Supply?
“You know that you are a narcissistic supply if you’re being love-bombed, idealized, and mirrored, and you feel like the best thing in the whole world. Conversely, you feel like a worthless, insignificant piece of garbage when you’re being devalued. If you’re feeling either one of these extremes, you’re most likely the narcissist’s supply,” Dr. Lev explains.
Research shows that living with a narcissist affects a person’s sense of stability and security. If you’re in any type of relationship where these signs are present, it’s important to get help.
Strategies to Manage and Protect Oneself from Narcissistic Supply
When you are the supplier in a narcissistic supply relationship, building yourself up to combat the negative messages from the narcissist is key. If you’re dealing with a lack of confidence and low self-esteem, lean on supportive friends and family members who can speak positive, affirming words. Taking refuge in your circle of support also helps to lessen your dependency on the narcissist. If part of your narcissistic supply relationship includes monetary control over you, you can take an extra job or create ways to build yourself up financially. Again, this lessens your dependency on the narcissist.
Working with a mental health professional can be key in not only helping you to build yourself back up mentally and emotionally but also examining how you can avoid getting back into a narcissistic supply cycle.
“Gray-rocking is the most useful technique, in which an individual accepts that their partner/friend/loved one is exhibiting narcissistic traits and makes the decision to interact with that person in a consolidated, neutral, non-reactive, and non-inflammatory way. By ignoring and [refusing] to engage the narc’s bids for attention (positive or negative), the individual sets boundaries to protect themselves from the experience of being objectified and dehumanized by the narc,” advises Mary Dobson, LMFT, CEDS. licensed psychotherapist and CEO/founder of Lift Wellness.
If your situation has escalated, removing yourself from danger is paramount. Ultimately, experts say the main concern isn’t the behavior as much as it’s the person behind it.
“The strategies to protect yourself are not strategies to protect yourself from narcissistic supply; the strategies are to protect yourself from narcissists,” Dr. Lev concludes.
