I feel torn between being a supportive wife and protecting my own mental health. My husband has recently had great success using drugs, diet and exercise to lose weight. He has struggled for a long time, and I am immensely proud of him, especially as he is now tapering off the medication and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. The problem is that I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia my entire life. I’m not in therapy as I can never find the right therapist. I go through periods when it’s manageable, but sometimes it flares up.
My husband is well aware that I still struggle with these issues. However, our daily life since his weight loss has become a constant stream of calorie talk, workout updates and discussions about his shrinking clothes. I pretend I’m fine to avoid raining on his parade, and because he can be defensive when challenged, but beneath the surface I am drowning. I have stayed the same size throughout our relationship, yet find myself constantly comparing my body with his progress. I’m in my 40s and worry about getting older and being replaced. I am exhausted by trying to act as if I’m OK when I am actually deeply triggered.
How do I ask him to turn down the volume on his success without making him feel I’m not proud of him? And how do I protect my own recovery when the person I love most is unintentionally making it harder to stay afloat?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your husband’s weight loss and improved health is cause for celebration, but not at the expense of your own mental health.
I went to the UK charity Beat Eating Disorders for advice. As you know, eating disorders can be incredibly isolating, and all the focus on weight loss drugs right now (and lots of misinformation) can be very triggering. It also seems quite unrelenting in your home with the focus on calories, weight loss, etc.
double quotation markPutting on a brave face is exhausting. In trying to keep the peace you are not getting any yourself, and you deserve support
It sounds as if your husband needs more information on how you are feeling. Directing him to Beat’s helpline may be useful so a third party can explain how to support you. That way it will appear less personal and not as if you’re trying to rain on his parade.
“Your husband’s role isn’t to be a professional,” said a Beat spokesperson, “but to be understanding and hear the impact it’s having on you.”
We also wondered whether your husband’s relationship with his weight was potentially tipping into something unhealthy, and whether there was something you recognised there? That could be very unbalancing.
I would gently urge you to have another look for a therapist. I know it can be exhausting to seek help, but Beat has a helpfinder where you can put in your details and access support in person, online or on the phone. Having someone to help you through this would be enormously beneficial and provide a safe place for you to discuss all these feelings, including the fear that you will “be replaced”.
Putting on a brave face is exhausting. In trying to keep the peace you are not getting any yourself, and you deserve support. By getting some help outside your relationship I hope you may then be able to communicate with your husband about how you feel. Remember: your feelings are as valid as his, and his needs should not take up all the space in your household.
Perhaps also looking for a shared interest outside food and weight might help you both bridge these gaps.
In the UK, Beat can be contacted on 0808 801 0677. In the US, help is available at nationaleatingdisorders.org or by calling ANAD’s eating disorders hotline at 800 375 7767. In Australia, the Butterfly Foundation is at 1800 33 4673. Other international helplines can be found at Eating Disorder Hope.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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