It’s no coincidence that toxic in-laws are such a popular trope in movies—and the star of some of the juiciest, most upvoted threads on Reddit. Understandably, getting along with someone else’s family is a major learning curve, and it’s even harder when their behaviors range from overbearing and controlling to straight-up disrespectful and cruel.
The dynamic is uniquely complicated because, sure, they’re family—but not the one you’ve grown up with, which can make setting boundaries difficult. And any brewing tension isn’t just between you and them: You’ve got your partner’s emotions to consider too, Nedra Tawwab, LCSW, a licensed therapist based in Charlotte, North Carolina, and author of Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships, tells SELF. That’s why criticizing every mildly frustrating thing they do can be a slippery slope—one that might lead your partner to believe you’re just looking for reasons to hate their parents.
So what can you do? It depends on the situation, but the experts we spoke with agree it often comes down to setting boundaries and communicating them clearly and respectfully. Below, therapists break down the most common types of toxic in-laws—plus their best advice for handling each one.
1. The ones who ignore your boundaries
When you’ve established your own rhythm in a partnership, it can be frustrating for an in-law to insist on doing things their way. Maybe you’ve made clear that your kids aren’t allowed to watch TV past dinner—and yet your mother-in-law keeps sneaking in late-night screen time. Or your partner’s parents are always showing up unannounced when you’d prefer a heads-up.
What to do: This may be a situation where the message should come from their own child, Amy Morin, LCSW, a therapist based in Marathon, Florida, and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells SELF. “So many people don’t want to offend their mother- or father-in-law, so having your partner say, ‘Hey, we’re not comfortable with that,’ can be great,” she explains. After all, “they have a much longer relationship than you do.”
Another option is approaching the issue together as a united front. While speaking up, both therapists suggest focusing on the behavior, not their character. So keep the tone respectful and firm with “we” statements like, “We appreciate you watching the kids, but we need you to follow our rules about screen time” or “We love having you come over, but next time could you please let us know beforehand?” Framing it as a collective choice (not just a personal preference) will hopefully prompt them to take your request seriously.
2. The ones who think they know what’s best for you
Whether it’s about how you parent, cook, or manage your finances, some in-laws can’t help but chime in with opinions you didn’t ask for. Oh, you’re still renting? You should’ve bought a house by now! Are you sure you want to sleep-train your baby?
