Have you ever wondered how narcissists continue to have a circle of loved ones or a long-term partner who continues to go back to them again and again?
No, it’s not their larger-than-life personality or grandiose sense of self. Instead, it’s because of “narcissistic hoovering,” which is a manipulation tactic that draws people back into their orbit.
The name “hoovering” comes from the vacuum cleaner brand Hoover, said Rachna Buxani, a licensed mental health counselor and author of “Unseen: A Therapist’s Reflection on a Daughter’s Journey Through a Narcissistic Father’s Shadow.”
Hoovering happens when a narcissist tries to get a former romantic partner, a family member or even a friend to come back into their life after a breakup or falling out, said Wendy T. Behary, the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of “Disarming the Narcissist.”
“It’s almost like sucking somebody back into the relationship,” Buxani said — hence the term “hoovering.”
They’ll try to achieve this in many ways, such as by being charming, apologizing for past behaviors and making big promises.
“There’s this seeming sense of ownership … the hoovering or coercive behavior is more manipulative. It’s more of a strategy or a tactic or a scheme to try to get somebody to come back,” Behary said.
Hoovering is often motivated by revenge, not a true desire to have the person back in their life, Behary added, which is how this differs from the “win you back” dynamic that can happen in many healthy romantic relationships. Instead, hoovering is driven by a need for control and to be in charge.
The behavior can also be driven by a want for connection.
“Some narcissists will come to realize that this partner that they just squandered was the best thing that ever happened to them, and so they’ll do all kinds of begging and pleading and promises of behavioral change and all of that,” Behary explained.
But most often, it’s a control issue.
“Because narcissism is a lot about relationship control,” Buxani said.
Kinga Krzeminska via Getty Images
Just like the name suggests, hoovering happens when a narcissist tries to reel you back into a relationship.
Hoovering protects a narcissist from feeling their deep insecurity within.
Hoovering is also a way for narcissists to fuel their “narcissistic supply,” according to Buxani, which is “any kind of attention.” This could be the good attention in a relationship, such as someone telling their partner they look good, or the bad attention, like bickering and fights.
“What the narcissist needs to know is they are relevant. So if they’ve done something that has caused you anger, that means they matter. And if they’ve done something that causes you to appreciate [them], again, means they matter,” she said. “And that is very important for them, because [narcissism], comes from a deep sense of insecurity. So they need to know they matter.”
Even if a partner breaks up with a narcissist because of the narcissist’s own mishaps, the narcissist still views it as something they’ve been cheated out of.
“There’s still this sense that their ego is at stake. There’s an ego injury, or the popular, trendy term is ‘narcissistic collapse,’” Behary said. “So, they kind of go on a mission to win back what they feel they have unjustly lost.”
But what is driving this behavior is the deep shame that narcissists carry.
“They are insecure … they feel defective underneath this larger-than-life personality and when they have been dumped, when they have been asked to exit, when a partner has moved on, there is this deep reconnection with that shame, with that sense of inadequacy, with the embarrassment of how it’s going to look to everyone,” Behary said.
It’s most common in romantic relationships, but can happen in familial relationships and friendships, too.
Hoovering is a behavior narcissists most often use in romantic relationships, Behary said.
In fact, hoovering is a step in the narcissistic relationship cycle, which also includes idealization or “love bombing” (when things are all butterflies and rainbows), devaluing (the put downs, the “you’re not good enough”), the discard (when breakups happen) and then hoovering, which is when a narcissist tries to suck someone back into their world.
Hoovering comes out in romantic relationships for a number of reasons. Narcissists feel they’ve lost someone whom they should be able to have and may also feel that they lost this facade of a “perfect family” or the “perfect couple,” Behary said. “Even though it was far less than perfect.”
With a partner, there’s also this sense of “I’m in charge, I’ll be the one who does the leaving,” Behary added.
While this is most common in romantic relationships, it can also happen in friendships or with family. If a parent is a narcissist, they likely spent years devaluing their child, only to have the child break off from the relationship ― just for the parent to hoover the child back in with lofty promises and fake apologies.
Or, a narcissistic sibling may have the parent step in and help them hoover in the non-narcissistic sibling after a falling out, Buxani cited as an example. The narcissistic sibling gets their supply from controlling the other sibling and causing pain and hurt.
Hoovering manifests differently in all relationships, but may look like incessant calls, guilt trips and even threats.
How exactly hoovering looks in relationships, whether familial or romantic, depends on your personal connection. Narcissists know you. They know what motivates you, why you left a relationship and what gets under your skin.
“They tell you what you want to hear, and that also makes it so difficult for the person on the other side to say no, because they waited all that time in the relationship to hear this,” Buxani explained.
When hoovering, they may call and text incessantly, send flowers, send messages to you through other people, show up at your favorite coffee shop or at school pick-up. They may also use guilt or fear to reel someone back in. For example, in the case of a familial relationship, they may complain about their health or their child’s behavior to the point where you’re worried and want to check in.
On the other side of the spectrum, they may also resort to threats or even stalking, according to Behary.
Understanding hoovering is the first step in fighting back.
Since narcissists know what to do and say to reel you back in, it’s very hard to see hoovering for what it is. To be able to spot hoovering in your relationships, it’s important to understand the concept.
“The more you understand narcissism, the greater the chance that you don’t get sucked back in when they start hoovering because you understand that this is a tactic,” Behary said.
As you work through a relationship with a narcissist ― whether that’s a former partner who you share kids with, a parent, a sibling, a friend or ex-girlfriend ― have a support system along with a therapist who understands the dynamics of narcissism, Buxani said.
Do what you can to share minimal information with the narcissist, too.
“Because if they know that you’re doing well, that’s when they’re going to come back,” Buxani explained.
Going no contact with a narcissist is often the best way for folks to find peace and safety, but that isn’t always possible. In that case, “the narcissist must get help or there’s no going back, especially if you have really been a victim of narcissistic abuse,” Behary said.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 for the National Dating Abuse Helpline.
