My husband and I have just built our dream house. After a year of planning and months of building, the builders have left and we can finally live there. The work was incredibly stressful, we spent a lot more than planned, and it triggered an anxiety disorder that I’m now struggling with.
The building work is ostensibly over, but there’s still work to do and money to spend to make the house fully a home, and I’m exhausted and depressed by that. Although we have an impressive house, we are also financially more stretched, which plays on my mind. But mostly it’s the feeling of the house – I don’t like its vibe. I don’t feel at home here.
My husband is much more positive about the house, while recognising that we both found the experience stressful. He can sense something is wrong for me, but I don’t know if I should tell him the truth, which is that I fantasise about selling it and feeling free.
Should I tell him I’m not happy? Or leave it and see whether it grows on me? I resent what the experience has taken from me, and regret it. Do I tell him that? I worry that either way it will drive us apart.
I wonder what makes a home to you, what you feel is lacking here and what it has taken from you? If you sold this house, what is your dream home now?
Sometimes we put our feelings on hold, thinking they will get better when XYZ happens: everything will be OK when I get a new kitchen/car/shoes or even big things like when I get married or have a child. Then the thing happens and we are still left with the feelings, plus the realisation that the “solution” hasn’t helped. I wonder what the building work stopped you thinking about?
I went to UKCP-registered systemic psychotherapist Melanie Shepherd, who said, “Your experience sounds traumatic over a long period, and involved financial pressures and difficult relationships. It sounds like you don’t feel the task is complete and are daunted by the thought of more work and additional pressure on your finances. It takes time to develop a relationship with a new house in any circumstances, but you’re living inside the source of your stress.”
Has this house retriggered something else: you call it a dream home, but it sounds like it has become a nightmare
Shepherd asked if this retriggered something else. “I wonder what the house might represent: you call it a dream home, but it sounds like it has become a nightmare. Who was keenest on it in the first place? Did you feel dragged into the project or was it something you were motivated to do at the outset? I wonder what your childhood home was like and whether this experience resonates with a past feeling of being unsafe in a new home or ambivalent about a transition.”
This house has clearly evoked strong feelings and it’s important to work out why, because we both felt they went beyond the actual house. Please talk to your husband. You may be surprised by his response, and talking about things often dilutes their intensity.
“Start by saying there is something you want to raise and sharing your fears over talking about it,” says Shepherd. “Money worries are notoriously difficult for couples to tackle. Maybe together you can plan a financial strategy that might make you feel more secure. I would start with the feelings though. It’s possible your husband has doubts about the house too, but you have ended up in polarised positions where he is carrying the optimism and hope for both of you, and you the doubts and the trauma.”
This is really pertinent because often in couples one is super responsible, the other abdicates most of the responsibility; one worries, the other becomes even more carefree. Your husband can sense something is wrong for you, so you owe it to both of you to discuss it – you never know, the conversation could change everything.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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