My mother is in her 70s and addicted to playing video games such as Tetris, many different versions of solitaire and slot machine gambling games.
In the 1990s my parents bought a desktop computer and my mum started to play mostly card games on it for hours. As technology has progressed, she moved to a laptop and now a smartphone. When my sisters and I were younger, we used to joke about her gaming, but we’ve come to realise it has affected our relationships as she has never been emotionally available. When I’m with Mum now, she always has her phone in her hand and will be playing a game even when I’m talking to her. I never feel I have her full attention. She is like this with other family members too and it’s become a bit of a family joke.
Since my dad died nearly four years ago, I feel the addiction has become worse. Mum spends hours sitting at home playing games, sometimes on several devices at once. When I’ve raised my concerns, she has just laughed and said it’s not doing any harm. My feeling is that she is now partly using the games as a way of coping with difficult emotions (she refuses to discuss her grief or seek any support). The addiction started long before my dad passed away, though, so I wonder what else is going on.
Is it something my sisters and I should address? I worry that not dealing with difficult feelings may come back to haunt her in the future.
Psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who is also the manager of the National Centre for Gaming Disorders, has seen this before in older people, so your mum isn’t alone. “It does sound as if your mum is avoiding something,” she said. “My view of addictions is that they often start as coping strategies – a way of managing something that then gets out of control. Was your mum unavailable before your parents got a computer in the 1990s?”
Harris wondered if you could separate out what you were hoping to achieve: to help your mum, to get closer to her, or both? “But either way,” she advised, “the first step is to go in with compassion. It’s not easy to start the conversation because the gaming is performing a function for your mum, so she may be defensive.” I wondered whether you could approach this less about gaming and more about spending more time with her?
double quotation markWe all have ways of taking ourselves out of everyday life and some are more acceptable than others
Harris said of addictions: “Would that person stop the behaviour if a better offer came along?” If so, then it may not be an addiction. But this got me thinking of how you all interact with your mum. When did you get on? Could you take her out and do something with her so being on her phone wasn’t viable? What does she like doing apart from gaming?
Harris wondered what your dad’s role was in all your lives? “The big question for me is what is underlying this behaviour.”
We all have ways of taking ourselves out of everyday life and some are more acceptable than others. It’s important to understand that your mum playing on her phone is a fairly benign way of coping with something if it’s not really hurting her or anyone else, though if she is gambling with money that is a further cause for concern of course. I’d be careful of trying to remove it completely, because if the feelings aren’t dealt with she will find another way of “numbing”.
But wanting to have a relationship with your mother is a different thing. I wondered if your lament that not dealing with her emotions “may come back to haunt her” is actually you expressing a fear that if you don’t deal with this, you’ll regret it? That would be perfectly understandable.
You could let your mother know about the National Centre for Gaming Disorders.
In the UK, support for problem gambling can be found via the NHS National Problem Gambling Clinic on 020 7381 7722, or GamCare on 0808 8020 133. In the US, call the National Council on Problem Gambling on 1-800-MY-RESET. In Australia, Gambling Help Online is available on 1800 858 858 and the National Debt Helpline is at 1800 007 007
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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