Key Takeaways
- Pick one relationship habit to work on today. Give that behavior the space and gentleness you need to rewrite that particular groove. Maybe it’s not assuming the worst when your date doesn’t text you back right away.
- The changes you’re ready to make today are exactly what you need right now–and that’s enough.
- Eventually, the changes will add up, and you’ll have an entirely different set of habits that support healthier relationships.
We’ve all had that moment in a relationship where it hits us: Wait, I’ve been here before... That sinking feeling of déjà vu, realizing you’re caught in the same relationship pattern—just with a different person.
It’s not like we intentionally repeat these choices; instead, it’s more about how we unknowingly perpetuate deeply ingrained relationship habits that pull us back into the same cycles.
Holding On to Fixed Narratives
“Bad” or unhelpful relationship habits often originate from beliefs and unresolved issues rooted in childhood. These experiences form the subconscious programming you tell yourself today, making it easy to see yourself through a fixed lens.
Instead of getting stuck in that loop, try approaching your narrative with curiosity. By doing so, you open yourself to new perspectives and detach from your behaviors to see them as patterns–not personal flaws–to uncover meaningful insights.
For example, let’s say you’re typically drawn to partners who require constant support. Your usual story may focus on being a kind person, while the expanded interpretation highlights the deeper dynamic, perhaps the image of identifying as the “good” person. Letting go of the story frees you from seeking validation from the wrong people, allowing you to connect with the part of you that craves a balanced relationship where you aren’t always caretaking.
Masking Your True Feelings
In my relationship coaching practice, a big theme is teaching people tools to regulate their emotions so they can express insecurities, hurt, pain, anger, and sadness without sweeping them under the rug. Research indicates emotional regulation encourages mental health-promoting behaviors.
When you’re in a dysregulated emotional state, unhealthy habits surface. If you do it long enough, these habits become automatic. Some of these habits include dissociating, people-pleasing, avoiding vulnerability, suppressing needs, and wearing a mask to deny who you are. While these behaviors provide temporary comfort, they also create a barrier to genuine connection. Over time, you may ignore red flags and attract people who have similar blocked emotional states.
But when you’re grounded and emotionally regulated, you’re able to make better relationship habits. You find the courage to speak the difficult yet essential truth. You learn to communicate directly. To start, practice being with your emotions as they come up. Notice where they’re located in your body, and take the time to breathe and sit with them. This embodied act fosters emotional resilience, leading you to deeper intimacy with yourself and others.
Dwelling on Past Behaviors
When you’re in the midst of updating your self-concept, you’re peeling back layers of who you once were. It can be cringy, painful, and downright shameful to look at old behaviors. Oof, I can’t believe I did that. I really hurt that person. I didn’t respect myself back then. I wonder if people have judged me for my past actions when I didn’t know better.
It’s easy to beat yourself up. Please don’t. Studies show that self-compassion has consistently been linked to positive outcomes for mental health and well-being. Compassion has the capacity to extend forgiveness to all versions of yourself. Compassion recognizes your intrinsic worth beyond actions and past experiences. Compassion enables you to pick yourself back up and keep going.
By seeing yourself with grace, you create an internal safe space where you can grow. You can love your shadow and feel unconditional love, When you have your own back, you’ll feel braver to take the risk to do the more scary, vulnerable action that’ll yield healthier outcomes in the most magical ways.
Rushing Change
We’ve all been sold the myth of instant transformation. We set massive resolutions for New Year’s to reinvent ourselves magically at midnight. We glamorize life-changing makeovers in the space of a one-hour TV show. It’s a cute fantasy, but this type of evolution is not sustainable because it neglects the human, nonlinear reality of how change actually looks.
True change happens slowly, through a process called titration. Titration speaks to the psychological concept of taking things one step at a time, working at the pace of your nervous system. When you take the space to pause and reflect, you can make the big changes you’re looking for.
How to Heal
Let me get into the arena and share how I’ve applied this approach in my personal life. I have a very unhealthy relationship habit of taking responsibility for other people’s feelings when they’re upset. A lot of this comes from being made to feel like things were my fault when I was growing up. It’s been a slow (and still ongoing) process, but I’m learning to:
- Pause and check in with my body when I notice discomfort or tension
- Identify and sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of pushing them aside via distraction
- Slow down to not assume responsibility, and notice when I’m people-pleasing
- Express my feelings about what’s going on even when it feels vulnerable or awkward
- Trust others to share their perspective without assuming how they feel
- Trust others to be able to handle their own emotions
- Give myself permission to do what feels manageable at the moment
- Honor my boundaries by recognizing when I’ve reached my limit and allowing time for recovery
Sure, I don’t always get it right. But I don’t need to land every action perfectly anymore. Being OK with making mistakes is growth! Being focused on self-acceptance versus self-improvement has made all the difference.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Menefee DS, Ledoux T, Johnston CA. The importance of emotional regulation in mental health. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. 2022;16(1):28.
Crego A, Yela JR, Riesco-Matías P, Gómez-Martínez MÁ, Vicente-Arruebarrena A. The benefits of self-compassion in mental health professionals: a systematic review of empirical research. Psychology Research and Behavior Management. 2022;15:2599.
Andersen TE, Lahav Y, Ellegaard H, Manniche C. A randomized controlled trial of brief Somatic Experiencing for chronic low back pain and comorbid post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms. European Journal of Psychotraumatology. 2017;8(1):1331108.
Thanks for your feedback!
What is your feedback?
Helpful
Report an Error
Other
