I am a 50-year-old man. After a long-term disease, I had my inner ear removed, and then lost my job due to incapacity. I have hearing in one ear, am waiting for an implant and wear aids, which help.
I felt lost for a few years, but I got fit and slowly regrouped, and ended up doing an apprenticeship. Now it is coming to an end, I am worried about applying for jobs, having to prove myself again against healthy people half my age. Sometimes I wake in the night panicking. I want to cry most of the time. I just want someone to say it will be OK and help me. But I’m not sure who to ask. My biggest fear is putting strain on my wife and kids again. I can’t drive due to the illness and operation, so I am already at a loss as to which jobs I can apply for.
After being ill for so long I lost a lot of friends, who just didn’t get it. I think the new situation is triggering a lot of that hurt.
Facing a long-term disease and loss of hearing is tough. You have already really helped yourself.
I went to emergency planner Prof Lucy Easthope, and the RNID, the national charity supporting people who are deaf or have hearing loss or tinnitus (which is one in three adults in the UK).
Easthope has written a book you may find helpful called Come What May: Life-Changing Lessons for Coping with Crisis. The first thing she said was: “Bloody well done. We often need to hear that, but no one says it. You’ve been incredibly brave doing the apprenticeship.”
Is there someone you can talk to? I’m sure your wife would welcome you letting her in, but if not, a good friend or a family member?
She felt you were using “pessimism as protection, which can actually be really helpful as long as it doesn’t sabotage, because you have to be ready for things to not go entirely right. And there are reasons things might not go right that shouldn’t be linked to your self-esteem.” She gave the example of people after adversity “going for total reinvention and not being realistic, like going for jobs they can’t do and maybe could never do. If the job isn’t right for you, then you probably won’t get it.” She also felt that: “What you are going through is bigger than what happens next; the dreams you have had to give up on.” She suggested “speaking out loud the monsters that keep you awake at night so you can explore them”.
Who previously made things OK for you? Is there someone you can talk to? I’m sure your wife would welcome you letting her in, but if not, a good friend or a family member? I’m sorry your friends didn’t get it. Lots of people don’t, but often it’s not ill intent, just ignorance (and laziness to not find out what you need).
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Little by little, things can and will shift. Health crises can really throw us, and it can take a long time to adapt and redefine ourselves. It also sounds like you are a bit afraid of letting others in, but talking about things is how we process. No one can say this is going to be 100% OK, but slowly you may realise that there will be OK-ness, joy and hope. You can cry if you need to.
The RNID recommended looking for employers who have signed up to the Disability Confident scheme. And added: “Remember that under the Equality Act 2010, employers have a legal duty to support individuals, including those who are deaf or have hearing loss.” The RNID has lots more info, and the charity Hearing Link Services offers peer support sessions.
Easthope said that you might imagine younger people without your issues wouldn’t be afraid but, trust us, they are. Everyone is with a new start. You’ve done amazingly well. This wasn’t what you planned, but it’s where you’ve found yourself. You’re not the same person you were at the beginning of this journey, because you’ve already found great resources within yourself.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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