I am a recovering alcoholic and need advice on how to support my son, who is 11 and autistic. I am three months sober with the help of rehab and AA, but my drinking became heavy over the last two years (I was sober for the first six years of my son’s life).
Towards the end, my drinking was 24/7 and my son has sadly seen me out of control and desperately unhappy. He developed a sense of responsibility, that he was the only person who could stop me drinking (by physically removing bottles), which I feel utterly ashamed about. I have said to him many times that the only person who can stop me drinking is me.
He lived with his father for a few months (we divorced five years ago but he is supportive of my recovery) and moved back in with me when he started high school in September. The trust between us is slowly growing as he can see that I am not drinking and putting all my effort into getting better.
My son is still hyper-vigilant and anxious about my safety. This means he is terribly controlling of my actions – partly because of his anxiety about my drinking, but also because he is autistic and anxious about anything unpredictable. I am working on confidence and boundaries; it would be easy to give in to his demands but this doesn’t feel right as a parent. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.
I referred our family to Children’s Services while I was in rehab, and we are waiting for help for my son from our local substance abuse support service. In the meantime, I feel really at sea about how to talk to him. I don’t want to make him upset, but I don’t want to ignore the past either. How do we move forward?
Incredibly well done for realising you need help and getting it. You’ve asked me a very specific question: how to talk to your son and support him.
I went to systemic psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who is an addictions area manager in a London mental health trust, and has over twenty more than 20 years experience in this field. “Children need to feel safe,” she said. “Your son has gone through an unpredictable time when he couldn’t be sure you were able to keep him, or yourself, safe. He may feel worried about raising these issues with you now. Children tend to think things are their fault [the alternative, that it’s their parents’ fault, is too great a threat to their survival, so they turn the blame inwards]. Autism may exacerbate all of this.”
People in active addiction often make apologies and promises they may not be able to keep. This makes it hard for loved ones to know what to believe
Harris also said that “it’s not unusual for people in active addiction to make apologies and promises which they may not be able to keep. This means it can be hard for loved ones to know what to believe. As well as boundaries, it’s really important to be consistent and show your son that things are better, rather than just telling him.”
Concentrate on him settling in at school and establish a good routine. Then introduce the idea that no subject is off the discussion table (if that is indeed the case). Mealtimes can be a good time to talk as can side-by-side activities such as walking or driving because there is minimal eye contact, which some people find too intense. Maybe there’s an activity you and your son like doing together? Don’t think “we must talk”, think about opportunities for talking and see if they happen. Harris also wondered about your son’s preferred method of communication. It might not be talking; it could be written, or it could be a mixture of both.
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Harris and I wondered if your son’s safe place apart from his home with you is with his dad? It’s important for him to know that, and for you not to take it personally if that’s where he wants to go at times. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed if he does, this is a process and it won’t be linear.
I’m pleased you’ve got ongoing support from addiction services. We weren’t sure that local substance abuse services would be able to help your son (they usually deal with adults, but might have someone who can support him). These groups may also be helpful: Al-Anon Family Groups (Alateen); National Association for Children of Alcoholics (Nacoa); National Autistic Society.
Harris said, “You need to separate your needs and your son’s. Make sure you’re not making him feel better to make yourself feel better – to absolve yourself – because you can’t do that through your son. You can better focus on what he needs if you have good support yourself.”
You’re doing really well. Keep going.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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