I don’t know whether I am in love with my friend or not. We hang out a lot, because we work together in the same university. My feelings developed over many months and it took us a long time to fit with each other as we do now. I don’t find him perfect; I sometimes don’t like his behaviour, especially when we are with other people. However, I want to be with him a lot: I imagine going on holiday with him and doing things together.
We do have physical contact sometimes – just things like touching arms. I appreciate that and have deep affection for him. So I wonder if this could be love or if I am mistaking great friendship with love just because he is a guy. I do not know whether he is a friend, almost like a brother, or more than that.
I thought it was really interesting that you asked if you might be in love with him, rather than if he might be in love with you. I like that ownership.
Unless you have only one friend, the fact that you’re asking this means your feelings for him go beyond the obvious “friendly” feelings, or are at least different enough for you to question them.
I suppose it depends on what “in love” means to you and the expectations which come with that.
I went to psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse with your letter. Abse has written a book called Tell Me the Truth About Love, which includes various real-life love stories from the consulting room, which you may find interesting.
We talked about how there are different sorts of “being in love”, from the “explosive, can’t keep your hands off each other love”, says Abse, “to the more pragmatic get-together which is slow and gentle, and there’s very little about this sort of falling in love in popular culture”.
double quotation markIf I were to tell you that you are in love – though of course I can’t do that – how would you act differently?
To you, does being in love mean it leading to a sexual relationship, asked Abse. “Do you fantasise about having sex with him?” Because if your answer is yes to the former and no to the latter, then maybe this is just a really, really close friendship.
Sometimes we like to be “in love” with the idea of someone rather than the reality. This is why we get crushes (at any age), because they are often a safe way to try out a feeling without the reality – or the consequences.
Of course, the big question this leads on to, and the one that Abse asks is, “Why the hesitancy? Why wouldn’t you experiment with what this is and take the risk to move it on to more than friendship? What is the jeopardy here? Yes it’s possible that if you move it into a sexual relationship, if that’s what you want, it might affect this closeness you’ve got. But if you’re preoccupied with it and you want to know, then why not take that leap and see where it gets you?” But only you know if it’s a risk worth taking.
I think some of this is about discovering yourself and the world. Do all friendships have to be sexual, or defined, or can they just “be”? What would you like to happen next?
If you both feel the same way – whatever that is – this will inevitably evolve. Maybe it hasn’t because there is a disconnect between how you feel and how he does. But if I were to tell you that you are in love – though of course I can’t do that – how would you act differently? I think that’s the key question you need to answer.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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