During my Hinge days, at least 50% of the dates I went on went like this: After seeing each other a handful of times, the person I was seeing asked a question or made a comment that felt off. No, they weren’t revealing they’re married, but would say something that seemed a little too intimate. Maybe they referenced a far future or asked if I planned to get married someday. Or maybe their tone shifted more broadly, and now they seemed to like me—possibly even love me—a little too much. My instinct? Dump them.
Ending things after a one-off ick-tuation like the above isn’t necessarily a problem—you just realize they’re not for you. It happens. But if you find yourself breaking things off over and over again each time someone gets too close, you’re probably a puffer fish. Not a real sea creature—just someone who pushes people away.
Puffer-fishing is the basis of a trend popularized by Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Why Do I Keep Doing This? She learned the concept back in her 20s from her therapist: After yet another short-lived relationship ended in Morton calling it quits, the therapist pointed out that this cycle was probably a result of Morton being afraid of vulnerability. “She said, ‘You’re a puffer fish. If somebody gets too close and you start to feel vulnerable, you stick your spines out instead of communicating.’”
For Morton, puffer-fishing began with romantic relationships. But it’s a behavior that could also appear in friendships or familial relationships. Here’s all the advice you need on recognizing puffer fish tendencies and learning how to manage them—whether there’s someone in your life who keeps puffing up or you’re guilty of doing it yourself.
What puffer-fishing looks like
Puffer-fishing can show up differently depending on the individual. But it’s most likely going to look like avoidance, explains Julie Newman, LMHC, a therapist based in New York City. “A puffer fish might not text back for a while, not reach out, avoid initiating plans, or not express curiosity in someone else’s life,” she says.
Morton says in her life, puffer-fishing manifests as ghosting or wanting to cut off communication as quickly as possible. But it might also look like being combative with someone—for example, always picking a fight when things get serious—to self-sabotage the relationship. “Puffer-fishing is really just protecting ourselves. It’s a primal instinct to make sure we’re okay,” Morton tells SELF. “We think of protection as physical, but in this case, it’s emotional. And that’s just as important.”
