My friends seem genuinely happy to see me when we’re together and usually accept when I suggest meeting up. But if I don’t initiate, I rarely hear from them. Not even a “Hi, how’s the new job?” or a “How are you?” Months can go by.
This makes me wonder if these people are real friends and question whether I’m doing something wrong. When we do get together, we share things about our lives, laugh a lot and do activities we all like, so time together makes me feel connected. But once we say goodbye, I don’t hear from them. It’s all very confusing and discouraging.
I don’t know if it’s relevant, but all my friends are women. I am a man in my 50s and single (for several years) after a nearly 30-year relationship. I was very isolated and depressed during Covid, but have gradually been taking steps to improve my life (joining a running club, quitting drinking, changing jobs and moving). Making new friends while deepening relationships with others has been something I see as a huge improvement in my life, but now I’m wondering if they’re worth the effort.
True friendship is always worth the effort, but there do seem to be two types of people: those who initiate and move friendships along and those who don’t. It can be maddening. If people accept an invitation to see you, you can probably take it as a given that they do like spending time with you – after all, there are many ways to get out of doing things.
Psychotherapist Gabrielle Rifkind said that far from seeing it as an “It’s always me, if I didn’t who would?” issue, it can be reframed as an “I’m better resourced” issue. “People who are good at friendship,” explained Rifkind, “are usually quite surefooted and confident. You wonder why you’re always doing it, but maybe you are good at organising. People generally like others making things happen.” But yes, it can be tiresome when you are always the person doing it.
double quotation markSome people aren’t great at the ‘small talk’ of friendship between meetings, the checking in, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worthwhile friends
It sounds as if you are more confident in this than they are, even if you don’t feel it, but you may also need it more than they do, so you put yourself out there more. “People may already have their own network,” said Rifkind, “and they may not bother as much. If this is the case, you do need to be more proactive.”
I don’t know if it’s relevant that you’re a man and they’re all women. Maybe they think you should take the lead, or maybe they are unsure what you want, maybe they are in romantic relationships and think it might give out the wrong signal to arrange something and prefer to be passive rather than active. You could ask them.
Rifkind wondered if you could think of ways of seeing people regularly, so you don’t keep having to organise things. You mentioned running clubs, and these are a great way to meet people without the onus being on you.
Some people aren’t great at the “small talk” of friendship inbetween meetings, the checking in, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worthwhile friends. It sounds as if when you spend time together you have a good time. In other words, when it matters, they are good friends. Better that than someone who is forever sending texts but never wants to meet up.
I recently interviewed the science writer David Robson, who wrote The Laws of Connection. He told me about something called the “liking gap”, where we often underestimate how much someone likes us because we’re too busy thinking about what we did wrong or why they might not like us. And that can often stop us reaching out to make plans to meet again. Your friends may suffer from this more than you do.
You might also find this podcast I did on How to Make Friends useful.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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