When we first met, 12 years ago, my husband and I didn’t waste any time in starting the sexual part of our relationship. He warned me he was a sex addict, and I am enthusiastic about sex. On our first night together I was aware of some erectile dysfunction – he wasn’t entirely hard and benefited from holding himself when penetrating me – though this didn’t stop us reaching climax. We joked about how many times I would orgasm and neither of us seemed inhibited.
Over time, my husband needed more and more help with ejaculating and would often lose his erection during sex. He has shown less interest in any form of intimacy with me, while I have been trying to show my attraction to him in other ways, like hugging and holding hands.
About six months into our relationship, I became aware he was using online pornography while I was out of the house. It seemed that it was porn he was addicted to, rather than the act of sex. It upset me, as I know people who have been exploited in the industry. We discussed this, and he seemed to understand, but his porn use became more entrenched, while our sex life has diminished.
On the odd occasion when we try to have sex, he struggles to achieve an erection, whether it’s me or him initiating. When we do start, his erection fades away within moments. I try to reassure him, but I feel embarrassed and worthless as a partner, and I miss him terribly. It has been more than a year since we last tried to be intimate. Is there any way back?
Compulsivity of thought or actions, no matter how it is expressed, is related to anxiety and other psychological issues. Your husband’s compulsivity – in relation to porn use and perhaps to other things as well – seems to have become so entrenched that it is now a problem for both of you, for which he probably needs treatment and you need support. But it is not necessarily the reason for your dwindling sex life. In fact, he may be using porn to try to achieve erections and prove that he is capable of them in a situation where he will not feel judged.
A man’s relationship with his penis is complex. If it doesn’t work as well as he or his partner want it to, he experiences shame and anxiety and, the next time he tries to become erect, his anxiety can lead to repeat failure as a self-fulfilling prophecy. With continued failure, a man will often withdraw from sex with a partner (no matter how understanding they are) because he simply cannot face another failure.
Erectile dysfunction is treatable, and it is important to find the cause. And repeated erectile failures need to be investigated because they can be a symptom of a serious medical condition. Try to persuade him to seek professional consultation.
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