I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. She recently admitted she has had many more sexual partners than me, more than 50 for sure, but it could be 100. She has only had a couple of long-term relationships. I didn’t think the number bothered me: I didn’t know her then, it was before we got together and we can’t change the past. However, we hardly ever have sex (only once every three to four months) and her sex drive dropped off a cliff after our first child was born almost 10 years ago. She says it’s the stress of children but I can’t help feeling she just doesn’t find me attractive any more. Rightly or wrongly, I now feel upset that she was willing to have sex with so many people before me but doesn’t want to have sex with me.
When a partner’s libido drops, it is very common for the other to assume that the partner no longer feels the same attraction as before, but this is often not the case. It is very likely that your wife is finding it hard to summon sexual feelings generally because she does not feel like a sexual being herself. To experience desire for another person, you must feel sexually confident in yourself.
Sexual confidence includes having a positive body image and perceiving yourself as a person who could attract others. It is true that the presence of children can lead to a disruption of libido through lack of privacy, fatigue, worry and other factors and it can also cause a woman to lose sight of the sexual person she once was. That conversation about her previous partners may even have been a misguided attempt on her part to excite you and reconnect herself with her previous erotic nature.
Instead of focusing on her past, try to think of ways to help her think of herself as a sensual being, perhaps by looking back on erotic moments at the beginning of your relationship. Sometimes returning to situations where you shared such moments can serve as reminders and inspiration to help you return to intimacy.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
