One more thing to consider, per Dr. Gallagher: Perception is everything. “Sometimes we think things are more calculated than they really are,” she says. “These get-togethers can happen on a whim, and it’s important to not assume you were intentionally excluded.” Not only that: Dr. Saltz says it’s possible that you could be projecting internal feelings onto the group. “Most new moms already overly harshly judge themselves. In addition, it doesn’t take much to feel judged by others,” she says. “Some may be true, but some may be a projection of your own self-judgment.”
If you feel loved and supported by your mom group, more power to you. But if you’re unsure of how your mom group is serving you, it’s fair to wonder if you should walk away. All of that said, these are the biggest signs that therapists flag.
1. There’s a lot of gossip.
There’s a reason why gossip is contagious—it’s fun and builds a point of connection between people. But there’s a big difference between talking about Taylor Swift’s reported wedding plans and having negative conversations about another member of the group or a mutual acquaintance. “If there’s a lot of gossip that doesn’t make you feel good, that’s worth considering,” Dr. Gallagher says.
2. You don’t feel like yourself in the group.
It’s normal to showcase different sides of yourself in various social situations, Tamar Gur, MD, PhD, director of the Sarah Ross Soter Women’s Health Research Program at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, tells SELF. “But when you find yourself not being able to bring your whole self to the table, or you edit everything you say, that’s really a red flag that you should think about departing,” she says.
3. Your values don’t align.
Motherhood can be a powerful shared experience that connects women from different walks of life. While you can absolutely have a connection with fellow moms based on that alone, Dr. Gallagher points out that different values can be difficult to navigate over time. Those values can be based on a range of topics, from politics to simply what you feel is most important in life.
4. You’re craving something deeper.
Being a mom can be an all-encompassing experience, but not everyone wants to discuss the ins and outs of motherhood 24/7. “You may not want to talk about the PTA the whole time you’re together,” Dr. Gallagher notes. “And it’s OK if you don’t.”
5. You’re in a different phase of life.
Every person has their own life outside of motherhood, and that can influence how you feel about the group and its dynamics. “If you’re going through a divorce, it may be hard to be around friends who are not,” Dr. Gallagher says. “You just simply may not be able to relate, or certain conversations may be difficult for you. You also may want to find more people who are focusing on the same struggles you’re dealing with.”
6. You can’t stop thinking about the way your mom group makes you feel.
Mom groups are designed to be fun and supportive, but that’s not the experience for everyone. Feelings that you’re being left out or unsupported in your group can be hard to shake. “If you find that you’re thinking or talking about this a lot, that’s important to pay attention to,” Dr. Gallagher says.
There are a few different steps you can take next.
It’s important to remember that you don’t have to be in a mom group, but Dr. Gallagher recommends making a few moves before you fully cut ties if you still could see yourself spending time with these people.
