There’s usually nothing too scandalous about kiss cams. That is, until the Jumbotron at a recent Coldplay concert spotlighted a sweet, cuddled-up couple that turned out to be a CEO and his company’s chief people officer, allegedly caught mid-affair as they scrambled to dodge the cameras.
You might assume workplace affairs are just tabloid tropes—the kind of thing that only happens to high-profile figures like Ned Fulmer from The Try Guys (who was ousted after cheating on his wife with an employee), or the “GMA3” anchors (each married to other people) whose off-camera romance made headlines. In other words, not everyday folks like you or me. And it makes sense: Cheating is a betrayal that people usually go to great lengths to hide…so why risk your entire relationship (not to mention your job) by hooking up with someone who’s not only around all day but who also might be friendly with your significant other?
“Unfortunately, affairs are more common than most of us would like [to think], and coworkers are actually the most common affair partners I’ve seen,” Kathy Nickerson, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity recovery and author of The Courage to Stay: How to Heal From an Affair and Save Your Marriage, tells SELF. “What I’ve seen over 25 years in practice is that more generally, affairs function as a kind of emotional painkiller to escape deep distress,” whether that’s loneliness in their current relationship, low self-esteem, or burnout.
Whatever the reasons, infidelity therapists say that cheating with a colleague, in particular, is a recurring issue brought into their sessions.
Here’s why so many affairs happen at work
There’s a reason the boss-and-employee romance trope has become such a mainstream cliché. “It’s true that the very taboo nature can be intoxicating,” Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist with expertise in affair recovery, tells SELF. For some, “knowing you’re keeping it a secret not just from your partner, but in this case, also your colleagues, can increase excitement around the situation.”
There are also more straightforward factors at play, like the sheer convenience of being around this person so often. “It’s called the proximity effect,” Dr. Nickerson explains. “We’re drawn to those we see more often, which is why that familiarity and comfort can quickly grow into something more intimate.” Add to that the built-in camaraderie of shared stress over upcoming deadlines, say, and day-to-day triumphs of a project gone well—and you’ve got a “team” bond that can mimic true romantic closeness.
It’s also worth noting that “these people only see one side of you: the professional,” Dr. Le Goy adds. So to them, you’re not the exhausted parent juggling childcare or the boring homebody buried in bills and household chores. You’re seen at your most competent and capable—a refreshing confidence booster that feels flattering and alluring. Meanwhile, your colleague, boss, or whoever’s caught up in this affair “isn’t the one you have to discuss monotonous issues (like childcare, finances, and grocery shopping) with,” Dr. Le Goy points out, making your moments together more spontaneous, less burdensome, and way more electric.
While none of these reasons justify cheating, they do help explain why these extramarital situations happen more often than we may think—even when the stakes couldn’t be higher. And according to both infidelity experts, the short-term temptations can easily overshadow the long-term fallout of hurting your partner, jeopardizing your career, and perhaps ending up on a Jumbotron moment that lives online forever.
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