Key Takeaways
- The “liking gap” is when people believe others like them less than they actually do.
- Low self-esteem, social anxiety, and self-criticism can make the liking gap feel more intense.
- These patterns can negatively affect relationships, but there are healthy ways to cope.
Have you ever thought that someone disliked you, but then received a party invite from them or heard through the grapevine that they said something positive about you? Misjudging how others perceive you and assuming that they don’t like you when they actually do is what psychologists call a “liking gap.”
How Your Brain Convinces You Others Don’t Like You
“Studies tell us that when we’re with others, our social brain is more focused on overanalyzing what we perceive we did wrong, instead of what we may have done right,” says Deborah Serani, PsyD, psychologist and professor at Adelphi University. “The hyper focus on what you did wrong can lead to unrealistic self-criticism.”
In a 2018 study, researchers observed the liking gap as strangers got acquainted in the lab, as first-year college students got to know their dorm mates, and as strangers got to know each other during a personal development workshop.
The researchers found that following interactions, people underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company. Moreover, the liking gap lasted for several months as participants developed new relationships. The researchers concluded that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they realize.
Experiencing the liking gap may start early in childhood. A 2021 study of kids aged 4 to 11 years old found that children as young as 5 believe their peers like them less than others. As children got older, the liking gap became more pronounced. “The trajectory of your young life will often impact how you feel about yourself and how you perceive others,” says Serani.
What Causes the Liking Gap?
When you’re connected to others who don’t give direct feedback about their feelings, it’s easy to take that uncertainty and assign it a negative value, says Serani. There are a few possible reasons for this.
Internalized Beliefs From Childhood
For some, especially those who grow up in households where mental illness dominates daily life, the fear of not being liked isn’t about a lack of connection; it’s about survival. This was the case for Paolina Milana, who grew up with both a mother and sister diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
“To survive, I presented a version of myself that looked put-together, confident—like someone who had it all so as not to expose the madness I navigated at home,” she says. “People gravitated to that shiny version of me. But deep down, I believed that if they saw the real me—the one not so put together—they wouldn’t like what they found.”
As she became an adult, Milana discovered through therapy that this fear is common among adult children who grew up around mental illness in their home.
“It stems not from others’ actual perceptions, but from the internalized belief that [our] DNA is to be kept at a distance and being truly seen is risky—and potentially rejecting,” Milana says.
Projections of Our Own Negative Thoughts
Defensive use of projection may also contribute to the liking gap.
“When we take something about ourselves and project it onto another, we may think others like us less,” says Serani. “What may be happening is that you have something about yourself you don’t like, but assign to another person so it feels like they don’t like you.”
Natalie Dattilo-Ryan, PhD, clinical psychologist, founder of Priority Wellness, and instructor at Harvard Medical School, agrees.
“If I’m plagued by the idea that others don’t really like me, or don’t like me as much as they say they do, it could be because I don’t really like myself sometimes, and that makes it hard for me to believe that others do, even if they say they do,” she says.
Low Self-Esteem
Self-criticism casts doubt on ourselves and how we think others view us.
“There is also long-standing research on how low self-esteem can heighten insecurity. And evidence-based studies report that negative self-perception will often negatively sway how you perceive and interpret social cues,” says Serani. These “self” experiences, alone or combined, can make people believe they’re liked less than they actually are, she adds.
People are often their own worst critics and less generous with themselves than with others when it comes to grace, understanding, forgiveness, and compassion. “We tend to hold ourselves to a higher standard—sometimes called double-standardizing—than we do others, like it’s ok for others to be late or messy but not us,” Dattilo-Ryan says.
This can lead to a lot of self-judgment and even self-dislike. Self-esteem is determined in many ways by how we believe others think about us, or how we are regarded by others, she says.
“Self-perception is more like a two-way street. When we perceive ourselves to be likeable we tend to think others like us too; when we perceive ourselves to be standoffish or unlikeable, we tend to think others think about us that way too, so each tends to strengthen and reinforce the other,” says Dattilo-Ryan.
Social Anxiety
The liking gap may be exacerbated by social anxiety, which is when a person becomes excessively anxious about being judged by others, leading them to avoid social interactions, situations, or places where they may be evaluated.
“This can also lead to excessive rumination and worry, or replaying social exchanges over and over in your head hours or even days after the situation has ended,” says Dattilo-Ryan. “It can also result in a compulsive type of reassurance seeking in which we ask our friends and loved ones over and over to reassure us that they still like us or that we did ok, etc.”
How It Impacts Relationships and Social Interactions
Engaging socially while assuming others don’t like you can make you more likely to feel anxious and self-conscious, which may affect your ability to relax and show up fully and authentically in interactions.
“This may facilitate a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ in the sense that we push people away unwittingly, thereby confirming our worry or assumption that people don’t want to be around us or don’t like us, even if there’s a perfectly good or innocuous explanation for why they can’t stay, for example,” says Dattilo-Ryan.
In other words, you experience what you expect. If you expect people not to like you, even if they do, then that tends to be the way you experience it. This is due to a combination of psychological forces that are often unconscious, such as expectancy bias and confirmation bias, Dattilo-Ryan says.
Constantly seeking reassurance can also take a toll on relationships, as the relief it provides is short-lived. “The treatment involves gradually reducing the amount of reassurance seeking so you are less reliant on external sources while building up a stronger internal sense of self-acceptance,” says Dattilo-Ryan.
Learning how to believe in yourself and feel confident about your unique strengths and weaknesses makes you less reliant on others to give you value. “When we have this grounded, mindful type of self-esteem, we don’t get too caught up in the liking gap,” says Serani.
How To Cope With the Liking Gap
The best way to improve self-perception and social confidence is to behave your way into it by practicing, says Dattilo-Ryan.
“Sometimes it involves ‘acting as if’ we are already the social, confident person we are trying to be and stepping into situations we might otherwise avoid out of fear,” she says. “When we see ourselves stepping into uncomfortable and previously avoided situations, we adjust our self-perception accordingly, and we begin to see ourselves as someone who is capable of doing these things.”
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Studies show that comparison can negatively affect self-esteem and self-acceptance. “Instead, celebrate your distinct traits and embrace your weaknesses. Understand that there’s no one else like you, and that you are singularly unique,” Serai says.
- Develop self-compassion. Research shows that individuals who understand that they’re enough have reduced levels of depression and anxiety. “Take the time to embrace your vulnerabilities. Give yourself the space to not be perfect, and practice forgiveness with your less-than-optimal thoughts and behaviors,” says Serani.
- Acknowledge co-dependency. Co-dependency is an unhealthy emotional reliance on others to find your worth or value. Most often, this coping style originates from childhood, says Serani. “See if you can discover where your codependent attachment developed, and unlearn those behaviors by building on mindfulness through self-care and self-reflection,” she says.
- Try positive affirmation journaling. Dattilo-Ryan says this practice can help you cultivate greater self-acceptance
