Key Takeaways
- Tall poppy syndrome involves criticism due to one’s successes.
- The psychological impacts can run deep, impacting self-esteem and overall mental health.
- Clear communication can help us address the source of this pain and move forward.
Have you ever been made to feel bad for doing well? This is what’s known as the tall poppy syndrome. “In simplest terms, tall poppy syndrome is when someone is harshly criticized for being high-achieving,” says Courtney Morgan, LPCC-S, licensed therapist and co-founder of TherapyList.
What Is Tall Poppy Syndrome?
“Tall poppy syndrome is a kind of social pruning rather than just envy,” says Eliana Bonaguro, LMHC. If someone stands out for being too ambitious, there can be a desire to cut down their ego and level the playing field.
This tendency is “driven by the fear of being overshadowed and the dread of failure by comparison.” She notes that the term tall poppy syndrome is used in Australia and New Zealand, while in the United States, “It goes by names such as cancel culture, humblebrag shaming, or simply ‘haters.’”
Tall poppy syndrome traces its roots to ancient Rome. Tarquin the Proud, a tyrannical king, ordered his son to remove or kill citizens in neighboring states who resisted his control. To showcase his desires, Tarquin the Proud cut the heads off the tallest poppies in his garden.
“People are often intimidated by [those] who are doing better than most and try to belittle or derail their accomplishments in order to feel better about themselves,” says Morgan. “This is easy for people to do if most people are limited in their growth, as they can band together to ‘cut down’ the taller poppy.”
Where It Shows Up
Tall poppy syndrome commonly shows up in four places: in the workplace, within friendships, in familial dynamics, and online spaces. Let’s take a look at each:
- Workplace: Morgan says that in the workplace, “Tall poppy syndrome may look like people assuming that the high-achieving person had some sort of advantage over others.” Those in higher positions may overlook these individuals for promotions due to their own insecurities.
- Friendships: Within friendships, tall poppy syndrome may show up in the form of backhanded compliments, says Bonaguro. It can also mean being left out and not having your accomplishments celebrated as much as friends’ successes, says Morgan.
- Family: “Someone with tall poppy syndrome may feel like the black sheep in their family and that people keep them at a distance,” Morgan says. “This may look like being left out of group chats or people assuming that you don’t want to be involved in certain activities.”
- Online spaces: Showing up online can be challenging when dealing with tall poppy syndrome. “You may be attacked or harshly criticized by people that you don’t know or that barely know you,” says Morgan. Anonymity allows people to be more brutal than they would be otherwise.
Bonguro notes that tall poppy syndrome is damaging because “it punishes the very qualities we claim to value: talent, ambition, and innovation.”
Why It Can Hit Hard
Tall poppy syndrome can greatly affect our mental health. “It leaves its victims feeling anxious, isolated, or even drives them to hold themselves back,” says Bonaguro. “It can stifle ambitions for the sake of conformity, of fitting in.”
Debbie Biery, an entrepreneur, certified IPEC life coach, and creator of The Opportunity Switch, has been extensively criticized for her success.
“When I experienced my biggest year in sales as a real estate agent, I was happy because I worked so hard to achieve a record sales year,” she says. Her accountant commented on how much money she made and called her a “rich b*tch.”
Tall poppy syndrome may look like people assuming that the high-achieving person had some sort of advantage over others.
—
COURTNEY MORGAN, LPCC-S
“I was horrified that he would say that, and I felt very deflated,” recalls Biery. “Every single penny I had ever made in my life was earned by my persistence, tenacity, and sheer will to be successful.”
This experience affected Biery’s self-esteem and made her question herself. “I was really angry at him and disappointed that I didn’t confront him or express that he should not talk to me that way.”
Why People React This Way
What leads people to engage in these behaviors surrounding tall poppy syndrome? Morgan says it “stems from insecurity around their own lack of accomplishments, and downplaying the poppy’s successes helps them to feel less intimidated.”
How to Protect Your Energy Without Shrinking Your Light
Coping with tall poppy syndrome can feel challenging, especially in the moment, but taking a step back to collect ourselves can help us decide how to move forward. Biery has a few tips:
- Talk to loved ones. Biery was very bothered by the situation and kept replaying it in her mind. Talking to family and friends helped her process the issue. Plus, research shows that social support can lower stress levels and increase positive emotions.
- Speak up for yourself. “Not only do we have a right to stand up for ourselves, but it is also our responsibility to teach and show others how we expect to be treated,” says Biery. She ended up firing her accountant due to the negative impact his behavior had on her.
- Communicate clearly and professionally. When we do this, according to Biery, “We create a space of clarity and acceptance, and then we can see how we are empowering ourselves.”
- Reflect on your actions. In the moment, we may not handle everything the way we would have liked. Acknowledging what we could have done differently can help us address future scenarios more appropriately. If Biery could have done things over, she would have pointed out, “that if he wanted to continue doing business with me, he would need to apologize and be more thoughtful about how he talked to me.”
Thanks for your feedback!
What is your feedback?
Helpful
Report an Error
Other
