Key Takeaways
- LAT means you keep your own space while still in a relationship.
- It’s important to plan quality time and communicate when living apart.
It’s a given—or, well it used to be—that once you hit the two to three-year mark in a relationship, you’ll live together. Split the bills. Co-parent the dogs (or cats if you fancy). Take weekly trips to the local grocer. All the coupley things. However, it’s grown progressively more common to not live with someone, with around 38% of people between the ages of 25 to 54 opting out of cohabitation.
For those of us in relationships, the inevitability of cohabitating is now, well, less inevitable. Living apart together, also known as LAT, is a growing trend for couples who want to continue their relationship but not in the same household.
If you’re curious about why so many people are choosing not to live with their partners, we have everything you need to know about the subject. Read on to learn about the benefits, the challenges, and how to make it work.
Benefits of Living Apart Together
LAT is all about keeping your autonomy while growing with a partner. “Choosing to live apart together is a deliberate decision where both partners are committed to each other but prefer to maintain separate living spaces,” explains relationship therapist Becca Reed, LCSW, PMH-C. “This choice is often made to preserve personal autonomy while nurturing a close, intimate relationship.”
For the Couples Who Like Their Freedom and Personal Space
Couples who prefer LAT like maintaining their routines and having personal space as they value their freedom and independence, says Reed. “It allows each partner to manage their own living environment while enjoying the emotional and physical intimacy of a committed relationship,” she adds.
The Relationship Doesn’t Get Boring
People also participate in the LAT model because it keeps the relationship new and fresh.
“Many people get tired of their partners and feel less excited about them when they’re together all the time,” says Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and resident sexologist for Fleshy. “When a partner is a member of your household, they can begin to feel almost like family and the passion may die down.”
Which is why she recommends cohabitating couples experiencing a loss of passion and chemistry spend a few days apart, so “a period of rekindling is built-in” and the relationship bounces back to brand new.
Some Partners Have Their Preferences and Quirks—Which Is OK
This relationship model is also a fit for other situations, too. For example, your job is miles apart from your partner’s home and you don’t want a long commute to the office. Or, you’re allergic to your partner’s pet. Maybe you don’t like the neighborhood your significant other lives in because it’s nosy and crowded.
“LAT can be a good choice for neurodiverse people who are very particular about their routine as well as how they like their furniture and belongings to be arranged,” says Weiss. “Someone who has trouble sleeping next to someone else may also be a good fit for LAT.”
Whatever the case, there are several reasons and situations why some couples prefer separate living—and they’re valid!
Challenges of Living Apart Together
Of course, the benefits of LAT come with a few challenges, namely social stigma, communication, and emotional distance.
Social Stigma
“People may ask them why they’re not living together or when they’re moving in together or suggest that their relationship must be struggling because they’re not living together,” Weiss says.
This is something I hear all too often in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half but do not plan to cohabitate. When we say we’re open to marriage and are deeply committed to each other, many people are confounded. (Just a little FYI: you can still be in a committed relationship without living together; research shows that LAT couples are highly emotionally invested in their relationships).
Difficulty Finding Time Together
Outside of social stigma, one of the biggest challenges of living apart in relationships is schedule coordination and communication. “The biggest challenges for LAT couples can be the lack of spontaneous daily interactions, potential feelings of loneliness, and the effort required to coordinate time together,” says Reed.
A possible fix to this problem is by being intentional and carving out time in each other’s schedules. Planning dates ahead of time and sending spontaneous text messages (so they know you’re thinking of them) are just a few small things to make your partner feel seen and appreciated. Remember, it’s the little things that matter the most.
Communication Avoidance
Another potential problem of LAT is communication avoidance. Reed says that communication can be easier to wiggle out of when your partner isn’t around.
“I’ve also seen parties avoid conflict in the relationship by simply returning to their homes versus working through the conflict in the moment by having a difficult but productive conversation,” she explains. To prevent conflict avoidance, Reed recommends establishing communication and conflict rules on how arguments and discussions will be handled.
In some cases, some partners feel emotionally disconnected when living without their partner. How to address that and feel together, even when you’re apart? Let’s examine that.
Making LAT Work
It takes some work to create a successful LAT relationship—any relationship, really—but it’s completely possible. One first step, says Weiss, is planning quality time, so the relationship stays connected. She suggests asking each other questions like:
- How often do you plan to see each other?
- Will you ever have sleepovers?
- Will you have the keys to each other’s homes?
- Can you stop by each other’s places unannounced?
- Are there hours when you prefer to be undisturbed?
While this might seem like additional work, it’s not very different from the work of a living-together relationship, says Reed. “Activities that can strengthen LAT relationships are very similar to what all types of relationships generally need to be successful,” she says. “These can include enjoying movies or TV shows that you only watch when together, scheduling dinners, and participating in shared hobbies or interests.”
How to Keep Emotional and Sexual Connection Alive When Living Apart
There’s not much difference between cohabiting and LAT couples aside from the need for communication. Reed says that living apart couples need to prioritize quality time together and communication because they don’t have the benefit of living in each other’s spaces every day.
“Rituals such as nightly phone calls, sending good morning and goodnight texts, and planning regular visits can also support connection,” she recommends.
It’s what my partner and I do to maintain our close connection! We communicate often and text each other good morning and good night when we’re physically apart. We also do standing activities together like dinners at specific restaurants and weekly bar trivia. “Taking little trips out of town for a few days is also a great way to spend longer stretches of time together,” says Becky, my partner.
This applies to sex and intimacy too. Weiss says you can maintain your sex life even when you’re physically apart by using apps like Paired and toys from We-Vibe and other retailers. There’s also good old phone sex.
Establishing a set routine of calling, visiting, and enjoying time together helps increase consistency as well as overall connection. It helps both individuals feel grounded in their relationship even though they do not cohabitate.
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BECCA REED, LCSW, PMH-C
Keeping the emotional connection alive is the most important element. “Our nervous system picks up on tiny cues that tell us if we are safely in connection with one another, so creating moments where you can feel connected and seen by your partner is vital,” says Reed. “This emotional attunement fosters a deep bond, which is especially needed when living apart.”
Considerations for Choosing LAT
The first way to know if LAT is for you is if you, like me, wanted to live with partners in the past but disliked it. “Think of past conflicts you’ve had in relationships and reflect on how many of them were related to sharing a living space,” suggests Weiss. “If this has been a consistent source of strife in your relationships, living together may not be for you.”
Beyond that, Reed recommends considering your personal values, lifestyle preferences, and relationship intentionality when deciding to opt in or out of a LAT relationship. Also, consider the social stigma attached to LAT aka the belief that not living together implies a lack of commitment, and how that can potentially impact your relationship.
“If LAT relationships were more normalized, many relationships may actually last longer because the people in them would be less annoyed with each other and would have an easier time keeping the passion alive,” Weiss explains. “It is the stigma more so the physical distance that leads to emotional disconnect. The more people in LAT relationships can see their relationship style as a normal, valid choice, the happier they will be.”
Aside from social stigma, consider your partner’s communication skills. The LAT method requires intentionality, communication, mutual understanding, and agreement to be successful, says Reed.
“It’s important to discuss long-term goals, how to handle conflicts, and the expectations around communication and visits,” she says. And the talks don’t end there. She continues, adding that communication is always crucial as there are “changes in life circumstances such as new jobs, needing to care for an aging family member, or shifts in life goals may bring about a need to reevaluate these agreements.”
For neurodivergent folks, people who enjoy their independence and autonomy, or individuals allergic to their partner’s pets, LAT is a fine option for keeping and deepening romantic partnerships. It takes work like all relationships do. And yeah, unlike living together, you’ll have to make more of an effort to communicate. But if you’re happy with a partner, you don’t have to live with them, especially if that doesn’t sound like a great time.
Instead, you can live apart together. I mean—if Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton could live apart for their 13-year marriage and still be happy, why can’t you?
