Like most people, you probably want a partner who treats you well. Yet it might also be true that the moment someone starts texting less, cancels plans, or acts mysteriously distant, your interest spikes. Suddenly they’re the person you can’t stop thinking about (or spiraling over), even if before all this, you barely cared about them.
As counterintuitive as it sounds, this pull isn’t just a matter of having questionable taste or being attracted to emotionally unavailable assholes. Of course, there’s something to be said about our modern dating landscape that rewards ambiguity, mixed signals, and nonchalance as “hard to get” and therefore more desirable. However, “liking someone who doesn’t like us back is such a common experience that doesn’t need to be pathologized,” Angela Sitka, LMFT, a psychotherapist based in Santa Rosa, California, tells SELF. The reality is simply that “we’re human beings who feel interest toward many people, and a good chunk of them won’t have equal interest in us.”
That said, if you do notice a pattern of feeling exclusively drawn to partners who are distant, inconsistent, or clearly closed off, it’s worth taking a closer look. Here are a few psychological reasons why our brains can become hooked on uncertainty.
1. Anxious attachment
One of the most common explanations is an anxious attachment style, which Sitka says describes people who are extra sensitive to perceived signs of rejection—a delayed text, cancelled plan, or subtle shift in tone.
If you grew up with absent or distant parents, you may have learned early on that love and attention aren’t guaranteed, which can keep your nervous system on high alert for closeness but also abandonment. This mindset can show up in romantic situations too: “The anxiety and uncertainty can intensify attraction and feel like a ‘spark,’” Sitka says. “And in order to relieve that anxiety, we feel the need to pursue this individual more. We might even romanticize this unease.” While that tension might resemble chemistry or passion, however, Sitka emphasizes that it’s more likely the case that your brain is confusing the stress of not knowing with attraction.
2. Commitment issues
For others, the pull toward unavailable people can be tied to a discomfort with emotional closeness, according to Morgan Hancock, LMFT, a licensed therapist based in Los Gatos, California. Vulnerability, intimacy, and the general risk of being seen (and potentially hurt) can feel overwhelming, which is why their pullback can make your relationship feel safe again—and more appealing too.
