Key Takeaways
- People use deflection as a defense to avoid looking or feeling bad. It’s an unhealthy and often immature behavior that undermines relationships.
- Making excuses, refusing to take responsibility, always blaming others, shifting the blame, and never apologizing for mistakes are common signs of deflecting.
- You can deal with it by bringing attention back to the problem, not avoiding to accusations, explaining the effects, and focusing on solutions.
Deflection is a defense mechanism where a person shifts blame or focus to avoid experiencing uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, pain, guilt, criticism, or distress. Instead of taking responsibility, they redirect attention to someone or something else.
For example, a child caught fighting might say, “She started it,” or a colleague may blame a poor internet connection for turning their report in late. Or it might happen when your partner responds to your concerns by suggesting you’re “too sensitive.”
Common Examples of Deflection in Everyday Life
Someone who deflects may choose to deflect blame back onto you, or onto other factors. Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, shares some examples of deflective behavior below.
Deflecting the Blame Back Onto You
If you confront the person about something they’ve done, they might deflect by pointing out your flaws instead of taking responsibility for their own. This shifts the focus of the conversation onto you and lets them off the hook.
Some examples include:
- “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Stop being dramatic.”
- “Why are you getting so upset about this? Don’t be so uptight. Learn how to chill.”
- “Why are you fighting with me about this? That’s so mean. You’re hurting my feelings.”
- “You’ve always known this is what I’m like. Why can’t you accept me for who I am?”
- “What about the time when you did X? I didn’t get mad at you for it.”
- “I had to do Y because you did X, so it’s really your fault.”
- “I didn’t tell you about this because you always overreact.”
Deflecting the Blame Onto Other Factors
On the other hand, the person may choose to deflect blame onto other factors, even though they were actually at fault.
Some examples include:
- “I couldn’t help it, I was late because of the traffic/rain.”
- “I couldn’t turn in my report before the deadline because the internet wasn’t working.”
- “I failed the test because my teacher was bad.”
Why People Deflect to Protect Themselves
People deflect because they don’t want to feel bad about themselves or look bad in front of others. They don’t want people to think they’ve made a mistake or are at fault in any way. They want to be liked and looked up to. They don’t want to admit—even to themselves—that they may have done something wrong.
Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Deflection is about protecting one’s self-image instead of taking responsibility. If one feels guilty or inadequate about something they did, deflection pushes that feeling away by shifting the focus onto something else.
— Aimee Daramus, PsyD
The mature thing to do when one makes a mistake is to admit it, take responsibility for it, and take steps to correct it.
Nevertheless, most of us deflect once in a while, but doing it often as a habit is not healthy, says Dr. Daramus.
When Deflecting Might Cross the Line
If someone deflects often, Dr. Daramus says it may be a pattern of behavior that amounts to:
- Gaslighting: Deflection can be a form of gaslighting, because it attempts to distort reality.
- Narcissistic abuse: Deflection could also be a form of narcissistic abuse. A person with narcissistic traits may go to any lengths to seem as perfect as possible, including criticizing others who give them negative feedback.
- Emotional abuse: With emotional abuse, deflection can go both ways. Abusers may use deflection to attack victims instead of facing criticism. However, victims may also resort to deflection to avoid abuse.
How Can You Tell If Someone Is Deflecting?
According to Dr. Daramus, these are some signs that someone is deflecting:
- Making excuses for their shortcomings
- Refusing to take responsibility for their actions
- Not apologizing for their mistakes
- Calling you out for something, in response to being called out
- Making it your job to accept them, flaws and all, no matter how it affects you
What to Do About It
Dr. Daramus recommends some strategies that can help you deal with someone who deflects:
- Stay focused on the issue: When they try to deflect, redirect back to the current problem. Don’t let the conversation get sidetracked.
- Don’t get baited into responding to accusations: Deflection can be hard to recognize immediately. You may find yourself responding to accusations instead of recognizing that the person is deflecting. If you need time, take a few minutes to think before you respond.
- Don’t let them make it about your reaction: Think through your response and be careful about how you express your reaction, so you don’t give them a chance to make it about your reaction instead of their behavior.
- Share your feelings: Let them know how their behavior is affecting you. Use “I… ” statements instead of “You…” statements, which will make them more defensive. So instead of saying, “You don’t pay attention to what I’m saying,” say, “I enjoy talking to you about my day, and it hurts me when you’re uninterested.”
- Focus on solutions: Instead of focusing on where to assign blame, focus on working together to find solutions. Let’s say your roommate ate your leftovers without asking. They deflect by pointing out that you’ve let them eat your food before. You let them know you don’t have any other dinner in the house. Right now, that might mean they share something of theirs or order you something, and in the long term, it might mean everyone labels their food.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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