Key Takeaways
- You must take responsibility for fulfilling your emotional needs instead of relying only on your partner.
- Use the STOP method to help identify and manage your emotional needs.
Everyone has needs, and many people turn to their partners to fulfill all of them. But that’s a lot to ask of a partner—and a relationship. While helping to meet each other’s needs is important, the ultimate responsibility for emotional fulfillment rests on the individual.
Learn how to recognize your emotional needs in a relationship and what you can do to fulfill them yourself. We also share ways to help your partner meet their needs, further strengthening your relationship. But first, it’s helpful to be clear about what emotional needs are and why they’re important.
What Are Emotional Needs?
Clinical psychologist and author Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, shares that an emotional need is “a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.” These cravings include a need for affection, conversation, honesty and openness, and family commitment.
All humans have emotional needs, and when those needs are met, we experience emotional fulfillment. Importantly, as emotions come from within us, fulfillment must come from within, too,
“When we have an expectation that a husband or wife fulfill us, we set ourselves up for disappointment, because no human being can satisfy another human being,” says Mark Altrogge, creator of The Blazing Center. “To hope that another human can meet our needs is asking too much of anyone.”
Don’t look at where your spouse needs to change. Look to where you need to change. Don’t have expectations of your spouse. If you have expectations, place them on yourself.
—
MARK ALTROGGE, CREATOR OF THE BLAZING CENTER
In the end, a partner can help support us emotionally, but they can’t be the only way for us to feel fulfilled and content. That said, their emotional support is still critical, even if they can’t meet our every need.
Importance of Meeting Emotional Needs In a Relationship
If your emotional needs in a relationship are being met, you feel more comfortable expressing your feelings to your partner. While you may certainly have disagreements, it becomes easier to fight fairly, knowing that the ultimate goal is to reach a mutually agreeable solution.
When partners are meeting each other’s needs, they are also likely to spend more time together and share details of their lives with one another. They both feel valued and validated, and they often experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
Steps to Identifying Your Needs
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor who specializes in helping clients face relationship issues, suggests a four-step process for thinking about your own emotional needs. , This process comes from the field of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
An easy way to remember the four steps is with the mnemonic STOP:
- S stands for stop: When you feel that your emotional needs are not being met, stop. “Don’t react, just freeze,” says Romanoff. “Freezing for a moment helps prevent you from doing something impulsive, dismissing your needs, or acting without thinking.”
- T stands for taking a step back: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s difficult to identify your needs. “Give yourself some time to calm down and process how you’re feeling,” says Romanoff. “Take a step back, either mentally or physically, from the situation.” Use deep breathing to help regulate your emotions.
- O stands for observe: Look at what is happening around and within you. Who is involved? What are they doing or saying? “It is important not to jump to conclusions,” Romanoff advises. “Instead, gather the relevant facts to understand what is going on and what you need.”
- P stands for proceeding mindfully: Romanoff suggests asking yourself, “What do I need from this situation? What is my goal? What decision or behavior would make this situation better or worse?”
Ways to Fulfill Your Own Needs
Once you’ve identified your emotional needs, the next step is to find ways to fulfill them. Romanoff suggests that this begins with being alert to when you tend to reach out to others for emotional fulfillment. For many, this might be when you are bored, lonely, anxious, or need to regulate your emotions.
“Once you identify your triggers, you can begin to reduce your dependence on others in these situations,” says Romanoff. “If you delay reaching out, you could strengthen your internal resources to process difficult emotions, for example, by journaling, exercising, taking a warm shower, or another relaxing activity.”
Depending on a partner to meet your needs is not only difficult for them; it’s also holding you back. “By reflexively reaching out to others to meet your needs, you are reinforcing the idea that you are not capable of caring for yourself in these difficult moments,” says Romanoff. “It is important to prove to yourself that you are stronger than you think you are.”
Helping Your Partner Meet Their Emotional Needs
While self-soothing is important, you can still help your partner meet their needs in a healthy, non-codependent way, says Romanoff. Strive to be of help when your partner asks for it. “This will help strengthen the relationship,” she says, “as it will be based on intentional and purposeful connection instead of neediness or expectations that your partner can read your mind.”
Consider what your partner wants and values. Is it a home-cooked meal? A special dinner at a fancy restaurant or a quick burger at a fast-food eatery? Fixing that leaky faucet or loose door handle? An affirming word or affectionate gesture?
An Act of Kindness Goes a Long Way
It doesn’t really matter what the act of kindness is. The important thing is that your partner knows they are valued—that you recognize what they want and need and you are ready to provide it. An effort to understand and willingness to give is key to a good relationship, and ultimately, to having your own needs met too.
How to Talk About Your Emotional Needs
It’s important that partners can communicate their emotional needs in a relationship. Once you are in the mindset of being a loving and giving partner, you can then start to advocate for your own needs, but you have to be careful about how you go about it.
When you want your spouse to perform some kind of action to magically meet your needs, you are really asking for them to change, says Barton Goldsmith, PhD, a psychotherapist and author, and that’s a nearly impossible request. Instead, be direct.
Ask for what you need. Do you want change, understanding, or compatibility? Whatever your need, asking for it directly will greatly improve your chances of getting it.
—
BARTON GOLDSMITH, PHD, PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND AUTHOR
To be direct, you must be clear in your own mind about what you need. Romanoff explains why this is important: “Once you are able to self-reflect, sit with your emotions on your own, and understand what you need, you will be more able to communicate what you would like from your partner,” she says.
“Oftentimes what we need the most is to have a partner who is willing to be more accessible, emotionally receptive, and engaged,” Romanoff adds. This means being emotionally present during difficult situations.
“It is usually best to communicate your needs and expectations for your partner when you are calm and not acutely in distress,” says Romanoff. Otherwise, you might come across as blaming, which could lead your partner to feel defensive and not hear what you are trying to say.
What This Means For You
If your partner knows that you care for them and will be there for them through big things and small, they are much more likely to reciprocate. Having your emotional needs involves sharing and caring for your partner. A person who feels loved, cared for, and appreciated is far more likely to reciprocate in kind.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R. Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Additional Reading
Jankowiak W, Shen Y, Yao S, Wang C, Volsche S. Investigating love’s universal attributes: A research report from China. Cross-Cult Res. 2015;49(4):422-436. doi:10.1177/1069397115594355
Lindemann DJ. Commuter spouses and the changing American family. Contexts. 2017;16(4):26-31. doi:10.1177/1536504217742388
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