Key Takeaways
- Talk to your partner about your problems with your in-laws.
- Set boundaries with your in-laws to help manage expectations and interactions.
- Be patient and take time to build a healthy relationship with your in-laws.
“I hate my in-laws” is something that many people find themselves thinking at least once in a while. When you get married, you not only marry your spouse, but you also marry their family. And while you may have fallen in head-over-heels in love with your partner, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll feel the same way about their parents.
It’s pretty common to butt heads with your in-laws from time to time. However, research has shown that discordant relationships with in-laws can increase a couple’s risk for divorce.
But just because you don’t see eye-to-eye with your mother-in-law or father-in-law doesn’t mean that your marriage is doomed. With a little bit of patience and understanding, you can learn to navigate the waters and build a healthy relationship with your in-laws—even if you don’t exactly love them.
Communicate With Your Partner
The first step is to talk to your spouse about your concerns. They may be completely unaware of the tension between you and their family members, and they can help mediate the situation.
In some cases, they might have a conversation with their family members or take steps to intervene in the conflict before it becomes worse. They may also be able to suggest ways of dealing with the problem or clear up misunderstandings that might be creating problems.
If they’re not willing or able to help, then you’ll need to take things into your own hands.
Avoid Sensitive Topics With In-Laws
There are certain topics that are likely to cause conflict between you and your in-laws. Whether it’s politics, religion, or your parenting style, it’s best to avoid these topics altogether. If you can’t avoid them, then be respectful and try to see things from their perspective.
If you have disagreements, try to discuss them in a calm and respectful way. And avoid openly criticizing them—this will only make things worse.
Establish Boundaries With Your In-Laws
It’s important to set boundaries with your in-laws, especially if they’re overbearing or meddling in your life.
Examples of boundaries with your in-laws can include:
- Establishing how much time you will spend together
- Creating expectations around family traditions and holidays
- Explaining which topics you don’t want feedback on, such as your parenting, relationship, or health
- Creating guidelines about family visits, including whether it is acceptable to show up unannounced
Let them know what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. And don’t be afraid to stick to your guns—even if it means saying “no” to them.
Don’t Take Things Personally
There will be times when your in-laws say or do something that hurts your feelings. But it’s important not to take things personally.
This can be tough when it sometimes feels like what they are saying is specifically aimed at you. But it’s important to remember that they may not be intentionally trying to hurt you.
Tactics that can help include:
- Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt
- Focusing on your own achievements and strengths
- Practicing mindfulness
- Writing down your thoughts in a journal
Instead of worrying about what they think, remind yourself that the only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s.
If nothing else, remember that they’re just human like everyone else.
Accept Your In-Laws As They Are
Your in-laws are never going to change, so it’s important to accept them for who they are. Some strategies that can help you accept other people as they are include:
- Reminding yourself that you cannot change them
- Recognizing the things that tend to trigger your ire
- Considering how things would be if you offered acceptance rather than criticism
- Letting yourself feel your emotions without being overwhelmed by them
Trying to change them will only cause tension and conflict. So instead, focus on accepting them and building a relationship with them that works for both of you.
Be Thankful for the Good Moments
No matter how difficult your relationship with your in-laws may be, there will always be good moments too. Cherish these moments and be thankful for them.
Strategies that can help you experience greater gratitude include:
- Using mindfulness to focus on the present moment
- Savoring the good times
- Writing down the things you are grateful for in a gratitude journal
Practicing gratitude has been shown to positively impact well-being. So, if you’re in a better headspace, you may find that it’s easier to get along with your in-laws.
Spend Time With Them
It can be difficult to spend time with your in-laws if you don’t particularly enjoy their company. But if you can find activities that you both enjoy, it can help build a stronger bond between you. This could be anything from going for walks to playing cards to watching a movie together.
However, if you’re finding it difficult to be around your in-laws for extended periods of time, then try spending time with them in small doses.
Start with short visits and gradually increase the amount of time you spend together. This will help you get used to their company and build a stronger relationship over time.
Find Common Ground
One of the best ways to build a relationship with your in-laws is to get to know them better. Ask them about their life, their interests, and their opinions on various topics.
You might find it easier to get to know them if you meet in a place where you feel more comfortable. For example, you might invite them over to your place once in a while to play card games or enjoy a meal together at one of your favorite restaurants.
The more you know about them, the easier it will be to find common ground and build a strong relationship. Finding a shared interest, whether it’s a hobby or a tv show, can give you something to talk about even if you disagree on other topics.
Seek Advice and Support
If you’re struggling to deal with your in-laws, it’s important to seek out support from someone who can offer impartial advice. This could be a friend or a relative who is one step removed from the situation. They’ll be able to offer you support and guidance without any bias.
If your negative feelings about your in-laws are causing distress or interfering with your ability to function in your life, consider talking to a mental health professional. They can help you explore some of the reasons why these relationships are so upsetting and help you develop healthy coping strategies that can help.
Express Your Feelings
It’s important to find a way to express your feelings in a healthy way. This could be through writing, artistic expression, or other forms of self-expression. Other ideas for expressing your emotions include:
- Talking to a friend
- Using positive self-talk or positive affirmations
- Turning to spiritual practices
- Using body movement to express your feelings
- Channel your emotions into a creative hobby
- Read a novel or self-help book that is related to what you are feeling
It’s important to find a way to release the anger, frustration, and hurt that you’re feeling, or else it will only fester and grow over time.
Be Patient
Building a strong relationship with your in-laws takes time and patience. It won’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it to. Be patient and understanding, and eventually, you’ll be able to develop a strong bond with them.
What This Means For You
It’s not always easy to get along with your in-laws, but it is possible. With time, patience, and effort, you can develop a strong and healthy relationship with them. If you’ve tried everything and are still struggling to build a relationship with your in-laws, it may be time to seek professional help. A therapist can assist you in working through the issues that are preventing you from having a healthy relationship with your in-laws.
Press Play for Advice On Dealing With Your In-Laws
This episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how to navigate in-law relationships. Click below to listen now.
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Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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Peterson E, Solomon D. Maintaining healthy boundaries in professional relationships: a balancing act. Home Care Provid. 1998;3(6):314-318.
Cregg DR, Cheavens JS. Gratitude interventions: effective self-help? A meta-analysis of the impact on symptoms of depression and anxiety. J Happiness Stud. 2021;22(1):413-445. doi:10.1007/s10902-020-00236-6
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