Key Takeaways
- There is no one-size-fits-all approach as to whether to tell children that your partner has cheated, leading to divorce.
- If you decide to tell the children, share the essence of the situation but not the details (without placing blame), and reassure the child that they are loved and supported.
- Therapy can be beneficial for you and the child.
If your partner cheated on you, one major question is whether or not you should share this with your kids—and if so, how to do it. Whether to share this information depends on several factors, including your child’s age and maturity, and their existing awareness of the situation. It’s important to consider this question carefully and compassionately.
Understanding the Impact of Divorce on Children
Divorce is a challenging life transition for children, even when it ends up being a good decision for your family in the long run.
“I have witnessed complicated family dynamics where the children feel a sense of relief following a divorce, and conversely, I have seen when children are completely rocked by the news of their parents separating,” shares Caitlin Severin, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder at CultivaTeen Roots.
Infidelity adds another layer of complexity. “When there is cheating involved, the children often struggle with feelings of betrayal, mistrust, and even loyalty conflicts,” says Severin.
When there is cheating involved, the children often struggle with feelings of betrayal, mistrust, and even loyalty conflicts.
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CAITLIN SEVERIN, LMFT
“Depending on the age of the children, reactive behaviors and trust challenges within their own relationships outside of the family can follow learning about infidelity in their parents’ relationship.”
On the other hand, younger children may not fully grasp the concepts, even if they can intuitively sense the tense dynamics, blame, and secrecy, Severin adds.
Deciding What to Tell the Children
Whether or not to tell your child your partner cheated depends on several factors, including:
- The child’s age
- The child’s emotional development
- The dynamics between you and your ex
“This is one of the most common and delicate questions I get for families in similar situations,” says Aja Chavez, AMFT, associate marriage and family therapist and executive director of adolescent services at AMFM Healthcare.
As a general principle, Chavez says that whatever you decide, you don’t need to share the full details, especially with younger children. The most important question to ask yourself is: What does my child actually need to know to feel safe and supported?
While most younger kids don’t need info about your ex’s cheating to feel supported, it may be helpful for older kids. “For teens, a deeper conversation might be appropriate, especially if they already sense that there might be something more going on,” she notes.
Consider the pros and cons of discussing your partner’s infidelity with your kids, Chavez says. “Pros of sharing (in an age-appropriate way) can include modeling honesty and validating their confusion,” she says.
And what about the cons? “If it’s shared out of anger or to shift blame, it can make children feel like they have to ‘choose sides’ or carry emotional weight that isn’t theirs to begin with.”
Guidelines for Communicating With Children
Whether you talk about the infidelity directly or not, it’s important to talk to your children about your divorce, and to do so in a measured and thoughtful way.
How to Prepare for the Conversation
Severin recommends the following to prepare for the conversation:
- Ensure you’re calm and open to hearing your child’s perspective.
- If it’s safe and possible, discuss the conversation beforehand with your ex, and come up with a plan together for how to manage it.
- Be ready to answer questions honestly, but as simply as possible.
- Prepare to validate your child’s feelings during the conversation.
- Prepare to reinforce the decision to divorce and emphasize that any factors that led to the split were not the fault of your children.
Tips for Maintaining a Calm and Supportive Environment
Chavez shares some key tips for navigating the conversation so your child feels supported and loved:
- Get yourself grounded, which might include deep breathing right before the chat. “Kids take their cues from you,” Chavez notes. “If you’re calm and composed, they’re more likely to feel the same.”
- Start by emphasizing that what you are discussing are “grown-up” issues, and what happened in the divorce has nothing to do with your child. Emphasize that your child is safe and deeply loved.
- Use clear and easy-to-understand language while talking to your child.
- If you choose to mention infidelity, do it without many details and blame. Consider saying something like: “There was a break in trust between us, and we’ve decided not to stay married. That decision is between us as adults, and it’s not something you caused or could’ve changed.”
What to Say and What to Avoid
Overall, when it comes to sharing that infidelity was part of the divorce, less is more, says Chavez.
“Sharing the essence, not the evidence, works well,” she says. Children—especially young ones—don’t need to know names of others involved, how long the cheating went on for, or any other intimate details.
“They need reassurance that while something serious happened between the adults, they are still safe, loved, and not responsible for any of it,” she advises.
When discussing infidelity, strictly avoid any language that vilifies one partner, “That may feel justified in the moment, but it creates long-term emotional confusion for the child,” Chavez stresses.
Supporting Children Through the Transition
Divorce comes with lots of complicated emotions for kids. Their life will also be shaken up in many ways.
To support your child through this. Chavez recommends:
- Keep showing up for your child—just being there for them is huge.
- Consistency, routine, and emotional availability also go a long way.
- Let your children express what they’re feeling, even if it’s anger or sadness directed at you.
- Stay open—keep the door to communication wide.
- Normalize that it’s OK—and completely normal—to have big feelings.
For younger kids, Severin recommends coming up with a “transitional object,” which may be a toy, a stuffed animal, or some other meaningful object. “Having a ‘transitional object’ can be hugely beneficial for littles if they are moving back and forth between one house and another,” she says.
Seeking Professional Help
You don’t have to do this alone. Many children need professional mental health support to get through divorce.
“If your child shows ongoing changes in behavior (withdrawal, aggression, regression), trouble at school, or difficulty sleeping or eating, it’s a good idea to bring in a therapist,” says Chavez. “This neutral person can help them make sense of their world in a safe space.”
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