Key Takeaways
- Dismissive avoidant attachment is when someone avoids closeness with others and doesn’t rely on them.
- These people often have short and shallow relationships to avoid emotional connections.
- You can become less avoidant by practicing mindfulness and reaching out to a therapist.
Dismissive-avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style in which people avoid emotional connections, closeness, and intimacy with others. People with this attachment style usually don’t pursue romantic relationships and may actively avoid them. In relationships, they tend to be secretive and closed off, often preferring brief, casual relationships to long-term connections.
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Characteristics of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
People who are dismissive-avoidant are generally very self-sufficient, says Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C. She tells Verywell that dismissive-avoidant behaviors can include “independence to an extreme, not asking for help, setting a lot of boundaries, withdrawing from their partner when getting too close.”
Some of the signs of dismissive avoidant attachment include:
- Highly secretive: People who are dismissive-avoidant are often secretive and rigid, not allowing their own plans to be influenced by others and, often, not even disclosing those plans at all.
- Dismissive: When someone tries to get close to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, they may step back completely from the relationship or friendship. They may be seen as cold, distant, and closed off.
- Brief, casual relationships: In terms of relationships, those with dismissive-avoidant attachment are often more prone to short and shallow romantic partnerships, in which the connection is casual and is usually over quickly.
Short and casual relationships help the dismissive-avoidant person avoid any feelings of closeness toward others, and don’t offer others the opportunity to feel close to them.
What Causes Dismissive Avoidant Attachment?
Because attachment theory is based on how we interact with parents and caregivers in our youth, it makes sense that the causes of this attachment style can be traced back to a young age.
Some factors that play a role in causing dismissive avoidant attachment include:
- Dismissive parenting: It’s believed that dismissive-avoidant attachment occurs because a baby or small child doesn’t get the attention or care they need from their parents or caregivers.
- Poor responsiveness: Because parents are dismissive, the infant or child learns that expressing their needs doesn’t guarantee they will be cared for.
- Unmet needs: When a child’s needs aren’t met by their caregivers, they may develop the sense that others can’t properly care for them.
While adult attachment styles are not always identical to childhood attachment styles, research indicates they are quite similar in many people.
Neglect, dismissiveness, and unmet needs can make someone, even a small child, feel like they have to be self-reliant to get what they need in life.
Understanding Attachment Theory
Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, which categorizes the different ways people connect with others into a range of attachment styles. It was invented by British psychologist John Bowlby, who believed that how we connect with others is based on our formative years in childhood.
Attachment theory is broken down into three distinct types of attachment:
- Secure: This attachment style is often considered the most functional for adult relationships. People who are securely attached to others are able to form close bonds and give their trust. They seek support from others and share their feelings.
- Anxious: Those who have an anxious attachment style experience anxiety about their relationships with others. Anxious-attached people get very invested in their relationships, possibly to the point of codependence. This anxiety tends to worsen in stressful situations.
- Avoidant: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid getting close to others. They often avoid intimacy and may have problems seeing themselves in a positive light and seeing others that way.
From there, attachment theory can be further broken down into numerous subtypes, such as anxious-insecure.
Dismissive avoidant attachment, also known as avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style, is an attachment style in which a person avoids relying on others or having others rely on them.
How It Can Affect Relationships
Being independent and teaching your children how to be independent is important for survival. That said, though, having an avoidant-dismissive attachment style is not ideal for a person, and it may strongly impact both the avoider and those in their life.
If you or someone you know has an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, people’s needs may go unmet.
You May Not Get Your Needs Met
For the avoider, Saxena tells Verywell Mind that being avoidant and dismissive can lead to not having your needs met. She says that “generally, as humans, we want to have a connection to others, and we all need to be taken care of at some point in life.”
But because people with that attachment style have so much trouble reaching out to others, she says that dismissive avoidance “can make it hard to admit you need help and support, and [this can] leave you suffering in silence.”
Your Loved Ones May Feel Neglected
Partners, friends, and family members of someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style also may not have their needs met in the relationship.
In regard to romantic relationships, Saxena says that a person “may feel neglected or disconnected from their partner often, which can feel really lonely in a relationship.” She says that the avoider may feel safe in their behavior, which is how everyone wants to feel, but the person on the other side definitely may not.
In general, people feel safer when they feel connected to others. This isn’t necessarily the case for someone with dismissive avoidant attachment; they might feel safer the more distance they create.
As you can imagine, creating distance between oneself and others can, in turn, make others feel less safe. This can create negative feelings about the relationship.
You Might Be Unable to Tolerate Conflict
People with a dismissive-avoidant style are not afraid of abandonment or the end of a relationship. When conflicts happen, a person with this attachment style often starts looking for the fastest way out of the relationship.
Cutting the relationship short prevents the individual from dealing with the distress of conflict and the fear that they will be rejected first. This strategy may reduce short-term stress, but it makes it difficult to maintain lasting relationships and contributes to long-term social isolation and loneliness.
Take the Attachment Styles Quiz
If you’re unsure about your attachment style, this fast and free quiz can help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.
This attachment styles quiz was reviewed by David Susman, PhD.
How to Build a Healthier Attachment Style
If you have a dismissive attachment style, you might be perfectly happy in your independence. However, at some point, you may want a more serious romantic relationship or a deeper connection with your family members.
People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style can fall in love and have lasting romantic relationships. However, it requires recognizing your tendencies and taking steps to develop healthier coping mechanisms.
When the desire to build stronger relationships comes to light, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment might not know how to begin. Here’s what you can do if you want stronger connections with others.
Prioritize Honest Communication With Loved Ones
You can move forward in life without creating any changes, which is one option, of course.
In fact, Saxena says it’s possible to have close relationships without changing yourself if this attachment style feels comfortable and good for you, but that it “requires a lot of work and communication to ensure expectations are being communicated and understood.”
Challenge Your Habitual Responses
Once you recognize these tendencies in yourself, it is important to take steps to gradually challenge and change them. Instead of setting hard boundaries and saying no, make a conscious effort to say yes to things you might normally reject.
For example, if you normally refuse to show vulnerability, look for opportunities to share your feelings and thoughts with your partner instead of hiding them.
Utilize Mindfulness
The practice of mindfulness—or learning to focus more fully on the present moment—may also help you become more aware of your behaviors and emotions. When you find yourself being dismissive, rejecting, or avoidant, stop and think about how you are feeling at that moment.
Instead of trying to push the emotions away, work toward labeling and accepting them. This may help you tolerate feelings of distress more effectively and be less likely to turn away from your partner.
Reach Out to a Therapist
Another option, which is possibly more viable in the long term, is to seek counseling. You can utilize a therapist who specializes in relationships or one who is knowledgeable about attachment theory. Or you can simply speak to any therapist you feel comfortable with because all therapists should have a basic understanding of attachment theory.
Using a model such as the six stages of behavioral change can help you understand that shifting your attachment style will be a slow progression, but that you will be able to experience results.
Get Help Now
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