Before any date, Radisha Brown would practice saying one sentence that felt like it carried the weight of the world: “I’m divorced.”
For so long, the “D” word has been treated like a modern scarlet letter—a mark of shame rather than a life stage that millions of people go through each year. Pop culture representations haven’t exactly helped: Divorced women are often portrayed as tragic, bitter, and in some cases broken. So when Brown unexpectedly returned to the dating world in 2016, she braced herself for judgment—and came armed with defenses: No, she wasn’t “damaged.” She didn’t do anything “wrong.” In fact, she had done everything she could to “save” her marriage. “I was learning how to be a divorced woman in a world that doesn’t always know what to do with that title,” Brown tells SELF.
But finally, it seems that the cultural script is changing.
In September, ABC announced that The Bachelorette, a franchise historically centered on young, never-married hopefuls, would hand the spotlight to The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul—a divorced single mom of three ready for another shot at love. Even in Hollywood, A-listers like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Alba, and Katy Perry are soft-launching their post-divorce boyfriends on Instagram and being cheered on for it, showing that maybe divorce—and the fact that a woman has a right to a full and happy life afterwards—is no longer a dirty word. Finally, people are seeing it as a reality to accept and even celebrate.
Of course, celebrity dating (and shows like The Bachelorette) make for great online fodder, but most of us don’t have access to a roster of gorgeous men vying for our attention. So what does dating actually look like for the everyday, modern divorced woman? The reality is a whole lot messier, according to the ones we spoke with—but also thrilling, exciting, and richer than anything captured in pop culture.
‘I was learning a whole new language and set of rules just to keep up.’
Brown, 45, was a teenager when she met her former husband—which meant no apps, no DMs, and no algorithms. Jumping back into the dating world post-divorce felt foreign, she says: Suddenly every message, emoji, and tiny gesture came with unspoken rules she didn’t know.
“Honestly, I was scared,” Brown admits. “I became hyperaware of everything—my words, my body language, even how I laughed. I kept second-guessing myself and wondering if I was doing it ‘right.’” In one case, she sent what she thought was an honest and straightforward message to someone she matched with on a dating app: “I don’t think I’m your type.” She says he interpreted it differently: “He thought [I meant] I wasn’t even a woman and went off on me,” Brown recalls. “I was so confused until my friend explained there were certain ‘code words’ and lingo that I had no idea about.”
‘The heaviness was overwhelming in my early dating experiences.’
There’s a unique challenge in trying to keep things light, carefree, and flirty while still being honest about the fact that you’ve been married before. Because once you have what others might call “baggage” (though to be clear, it shouldn’t be!), even the most casual dates can carry more weight.
