Key Takeaways
- Your family of origin is the family you were born or adopted into and influences how you see yourself.
- Families can pass on helpful and harmful messages that shape our values and beliefs.
- Therapists can help you heal from family trauma and improve your relationships through specific questions and strategies.
Family can be a complicated word. When you hear it, you might think of the stereotypical nuclear family around the dinner table or a complex hodgepodge of a blended family; you might think of the sports team that made you feel at home or the boss who calls their team a family in order to gloss over workplace conflict.
But one family-based term that gets used in therapy is family of origin. Your family of origin is the family you were born into. For some, especially those who have endured trauma at the hands of their family of origin, the concept can be a source of deep unpacking.
In this article, we’ll look at what family of origin means in the context of therapy, how one can seek out chosen family, and how mental health professionals support those who are muddling through complicated family dynamics.
What Does ‘Family of Origin’ Mean
Your family of origin is the family you were born or adopted into. The Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy defines it as, “the family in which a person was raised. An individual’s family of origin is composed of the members, consanguine [blood-related] or not, who played a significant role in the early development (infancy and childhood) of the individual.”
Dr. Chameka Newton (PhD, LP), says that in practice it is often the key members of our family of origin who lay the foundations for how we see ourselves throughout our life.
Our Family of Origin Shapes Our Values
The people we spend the most time around are our primary examples of how things in life are done—what matters to them becomes what matters to us. We absorb these behaviors and they follow us into adulthood. Sometimes it’s helpful, and sometimes it’s not.
“Even from a young child, we’re constantly getting messages because our parents are often our first teachers. And so those messages may be messages about your value system, like, if it’s valuing education if it’s valuing freedom or autonomy, or if it’s valuing honesty, and so the family of origin is giving us those value systems,” says Newton.
On Internalized Messaging
While some internalized messages can be helpful, some can also be harmful. This can be especially true for those who come from families where negative biases like intergenerational trauma, internalized racism, addiction, or homophobia, are relayed to children. Dr. Avigail Lev, PsyD says that the negative things we learn from these family members can also stick.
Newton continues, “The idea that we’ve developed a core belief about ourselves in relationships, and that’s from our family of origin, right, so it’s in our family that we develop maladaptive beliefs about ourselves and others.”
What’s the Difference Between Family of Origin, Family of Orientation, and Chosen Family?
Let’s take a look at the difference between a few terms:
- Family of Origin: This is the family that you were born into and who raised you. Your family of origin, most commonly, is talking about your birth parents and their relatives, but a family of origin can also include those who are adopted.
- Family of Orientation: This is the family that you are sharing a home with. While this often does include the family of origin members, it can also include those who are together via what researchers have called “legal commitment,” such as adopted or step-siblings.
- Chosen Family: Chosen family members are those whom you may congregate with and create a family-like unit where the members do not fit the more traditional definitions of family ties. We often see these structures within communities where people are estranged, such as those facing discrimination from their family of origin. However, a chosen family can also refer to non-relatives who take on a family-like connection, such as a close friend who you consider “like a sibling.”
Family of Origin Work in Therapy
For therapists, understanding your family dynamic, especially when conflict arises, is important in order for them to provide support. Newton says that it’s particularly important for therapists to understand cultural norms and where they might impact the wants and needs of a particular client.
Crystal Britt (LCSW), says that there are several strategies people can use to heal from the trauma that is often explored during family of origin work. She says that one common course of action is to find out what the client would like their relationship to their family of origin to be.
“In therapy we call it the miracle question. If you woke up, and suddenly had a perfect relationship with your mom, what would it look like? Describe it to me.”
From there, Britt says the goal is to find out what is realistic when it comes to your relationship with your family of origin and then finding pathways to that goal. She says it’s important for people working through family of origin related concerns to keep in mind that they’re not the ones with obligations when it comes to building and sustaining these relationships.
“What are your motives for wanting to have that relationship? And what are you getting out of those relationships, what you get out of it is just as important as what they get out of it.”
Crystal Britt, LCSW
In therapy we call it the miracle question. If you woke up, and suddenly had a perfect relationship with your mom, what would it look like? Describe it to me.
— Crystal Britt, LCSW
Some creative strategies for healing from family of origin-related trauma include writing letters that you may never send, creating poems where you can explore your relationship with your family, and even joining creative role-playing games where you can explore affirming relationships without the inconvenience of reality.
Family of origin work can also be directly linked to the adjacent topic of intergenerational trauma.
Understanding How Your Culture and Identity Plays a Role
“For people of color, like Black Americans, sometimes we may have these kinship or chosen families, where we may say, someone is very close to us very much like a family member, or cousin, or aunt or uncle, but they’re not originally from our family of origin,” Newton says.
On the other hand, Britt says that oftentimes family of origin work with queer and neurodivergent people, particularly when it comes to discussions of chosen family, means helping them understand what receiving love and having a good friend means.
” If they come from a family that’s not affirming. If you’ve never experienced unconditional love before…in session we’ll define what makes a friend, how do you know someone is a really good friend? Especially with the neurodivergent community spelling out: How would you know you had a best friend?”
Building that circle of support can also help you recover from family of origin trauma as you discover (or rediscover) what meaningful and supportive relationships look and feel like.
Understanding How Safe You Feel in Your Familial Relationships
Your therapist might ask about your level of safety in your family dynamic, about your expectations of your family members, and how those dynamics have played out during your life.
Dr. Patrice Berry (PsyD, LCP) says that her goal with her clients is to help them find safe people within their circles to help them navigate their family of origin. She says this is particularly important because trauma created by a family of origin can complicate how you perceive someone else’s level of safety.
For example, if a person meets someone new and this new person genuinely cares for them, it might confuse them if they’ve been exposed to unhealthy bonds or abuse in the family or origin. They learn to expect mistreatment, so when they’re exposed to something different—it feels strange.
Therapists Should Meet You Where You’re At in Your Healing Journey
Dr. Lev says that one thing practitioners can sometimes get wrong is that might be under the impression that you want to forgive family members that you’re estranged from or have a rocky relationship with.
To avoid any miscommunication, Dr. Lev encourages people to be open about their therapy goals so that their therapy sessions move them in their desired direction.
If you think your therapist isn’t on the wrong track or that you want to take your session in another direction, you should tell them. You might say something like, ‘Actually, no, that’s not where I’m at. My goal is not about forgiveness right now. My goal is to understand the impact [my trauma] had on me and to make sure I don’t repeat these patterns in other relationships.”
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
DeCore AK, Focht K. Family of Origin. In: Lebow JL, Chambers AL, Breunlin DC. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. 2019.
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