Key Takeaways
- Knowing that your friend respects you and your needs, and that you respect them and theirs, lays the foundation for a relationship that can last.
- Always be open to ways you can improve your friendship, and if something happens where you feel your boundaries are being ignored, speak up—a true friend will understand and want to help.
- Lasting friendships are built on mutual respect and trust, and building that respect and trust comes down to setting and observing boundaries.
What’s the secret to a long-lasting friendship? There are lots of things you can point to—common interests, similar personalities, shared experiences. But there’s one thing that no long-term friendship can ever be without.
The Real Secret to Long-Lasting Friendships
When it comes to lasting friendships, boundaries are key. When you set a boundary in a relationship, you are expressing to the other person what you need from them and how you need to be treated.
Setting a boundary might involve telling the person if a certain action of theirs makes you uncomfortable, or if a specific topic of conversation is off-limits. You might also need to explain how you’d like to be treated under certain circumstances, like if work is really busy or you’re not feeling well.
A boundary does not control what another person will do, but it communicates what you will do if the boundary is not respected.
“For example, ‘Please do not call me after 9 p.m.’ is not technically a boundary but a request. ‘If you call after 9 p.m. I will not answer, and you will get a response when I am available’ is a boundary. You choose how you will respond if the boundary is not kept, and know that if you do not respect people’s boundaries they might not allow ongoing access to them,” adds Dr. Marschall.
It’s also important to be aware and respectful of the other person’s boundaries yourself. If someone is taking the trouble to outline what they need from you in terms of your behavior towards them or the way you speak to them, listen.
What Boundaries Look Like in Action
I was having lunch with a friend a few months ago, and we were talking about a mutual acquaintance we had both (separately) spent time with recently. I told my friend I had repeated something she’d said about this acquaintance to him because I thought what she said was funny and knew he would appreciate the joke. My friend laughed when I told her this, and we moved on.
However, after lunch, I received a text from my friend. She told me that it had actually made her really uncomfortable to know that I had repeated something she’d said to this other person without her permission. She asked me very plainly to not do this in the future, and to always ask her first before telling others about anything she has said.
I was horrified. I immediately understood my mistake and assured her this would never happen again. I also apologized and told her that she deserved to have a friend she could trust and that I recognized that I had violated her trust.
This is a prime example of how boundaries should work in a friendship. My friend (of nearly 15 years, by the way) was able to speak up for herself and express to me what she needed from me, and I was able to acknowledge how I had not respected those boundaries and the importance of doing so in the future.
If this exchange had not occurred, this most certainly would have affected our friendship. My friend would have continued to feel as though I had hurt her, and I would have had no idea what I had done wrong, and therefore would not have been able to adjust my behavior in the future. Speaking up and reinforcing those boundaries was the best thing she could have done in this situation.
What It Looks Like When Boundaries Are Not Respected
My friend, who had a surgery scheduled, asked me a few weeks in advance if I would pick her up from the hospital afterward, and I agreed. However, a few days before the surgery, I had to make a difficult decision regarding my own health, which meant telling my friend that I might not be able to pick her up after all—I didn’t want to commit to helping her when I wasn’t absolutely sure that I would be up to it on the day, therefore leaving her in the lurch.
I felt terrible for letting her down, but I had hoped that my friend, who had similar health issues, would understand that I needed to take care of myself during this time; but she didn’t.
Instead, she launched an assault.
She said I was selfish, told me I was a horrible person, and said that she would never forgive me, even though I apologized and tried to explain how hard this decision was for me. She called me multiple times to scream at me, to the point where I stopped taking her calls; after that came a barrage of vitriolic text messages until I eventually had to block her.
I would have understood if she had told me she was disappointed in me, and that I had made things more difficult for her because both of those things were true. But the fact that there was no consideration for my situation and the way I was feeling made it very clear that this friendship was not going to continue much further—and it didn’t.
I asked her to understand my position and what I needed at the time, even though it inconvenienced her, and she couldn’t. Knowing that someone cannot respect your boundaries, especially when health is on the line, makes it difficult to continue being friends with that person.
How to Respect Your Friends’ Boundaries and Have Them Respect Yours
If you want your friendships to last, get used to setting boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others.
The easiest way to figure out your friend’s boundaries is by asking questions. You can start with the basics, like:
- “What do you need from me right now?”
- “What can I do to help you?”
- “What are you expecting of me?”
If they have already brought up a certain specific need or request, you can ask questions to make sure you understand what they would like you to do. You can say:
- “I want to make sure I get this right. You need…”
- “When you say X, is this what you mean?…”
- “I definitely want to protect our friendship, so let me make sure I understand…”
When talking to your friends about your own boundaries, “I statements” are useful. You could say:
- “When you did X, this is how it made me feel.”
- “The next time this happens, I would prefer it if you would do X.”
- “X is what I need right now, and I am counting on you to help me.”
What’s the best way to establish and maintain boundaries? “Communicate them!” says Dr. Marschall.
“If you feel comfortable, you might decide to give a reason for the boundary. In the previous example, that might look like, ‘I go to bed early, and that is why I am not available for calls in the evening.’ That can help the recipient understand and remember the importance of the boundary, but you also have the right to keep that information private.”
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