Key Takeaways
- Denial is when a loss doesn’t feel real and is a normal part of grief.
- It’s a defense mechanism that helps you adjust to the new reality after a loss.
- You might feel numb, shut down, or say “I’m fine” during the denial stage.
People who’ve recently lost a loved one may have difficulty processing and accepting the loss. They might sometimes forget that the person is not around or a part of their life anymore. These are characteristics of the denial stage of grief, which is a normal part of the grieving process.
“Denial is when a loss doesn’t feel real yet,” explains Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist. “You know that the loss happened but it doesn’t feel like it.” We may also experience grief and denial after the loss of other things that are important to us, such as a job, a business, a friendship, or a relationship.
Here we discuss the denial stage of grief in greater detail. We also explore the characteristics of denial and provide a few coping strategies that may be helpful.
Overview of the Five Stages of Grief
The concept of the stages of grief was first introduced by the psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. In her book “On Death and Dying,” which was published in 1969, Dr. Kübler-Ross proposed the theory that people experience grief in five stages, which are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Dr. Kübler-Ross is considered one of the physicians who changed the face of medicine. This is because her work became the standard text for professionals with patients diagnosed with a terminal illness, as well as their families.
Apart from academic circles, the theory proposed by Dr. Kübler-Ross is also fairly well-known in popular culture.
There has been more research on the grieving process since the stages of grief were initially proposed. Based on this research, the current understanding is that people don’t necessarily grieve in stages and may or may not experience all of these emotions.
In reality, grief can be a messy process and everyone reacts to it differently. Nevertheless, the theory helps us understand the common ways in which people may experience grief, one of which is through denial, says Dr. Daramus.
The Denial Stage of Grief
In the denial stage of grief, we may struggle to consciously or unconsciously acknowledge the loss. When we experience a loss, particularly if it’s sudden, we may feel like our world has turned upside down.
Loss can affect our daily life or even our identity. For instance, if we’ve lost a spouse, our daily routine, our home, and even our identity as a husband, wife, or partner may be affected.
Denial is a defense mechanism that helps minimize the pain of the loss. It’s our brain’s way of protecting us from the pain so we have some time to adjust to our new reality. Denial is typically experienced immediately after a loss, as our brain works to process it.
People may also experience other emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety while in the denial stage of loss, as they start to confront their new reality.
Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Denial is a stage when the loss feels unreal. It can be healthy if it gives you time to slowly ease into the next part of your life.
— Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Characteristics of the Denial Stage of Grief
The denial stage of grief is characterized by the following experiences:
- Feeling shocked or emotionally numb
- Being confused and disoriented
- Shutting down and being unable to process emotions
- Forgetting about the loss
- Disbelief that the loss occurred
- Avoiding reminders of the loss
- Sleeping more than usual
- Procrastinating in dealing with the loss and its consequences
- Staying busy all the time to avoid thinking about the loss
- Engaging in mindless behaviors and being easily distracted
- Focusing on the needs of others instead of our own needs
- Thinking or saying, “I’m fine,” or “Everything’s fine”
- Using substances like alcohol or drugs to avoid facing reality
What the Denial Stage of Grief Feels Like
Dr. Daramus shares some examples of what denial can feel like when grieving a loss such as a bad breakup or the death of a loved one:
- Having frequent urges to contact the person who’s deceased or no longer part of our life
- Thinking of a joke the person would enjoy, then realizing we won’t get to share it with them
- Waking up in the morning and then remembering that the person isn’t there anymore
- Having the feeling that the person was just with us, or that they never left
- Looking forward to seeing the person and then realizing that it’s not going to happen
- Not wanting to take off our wedding ring after the marriage has ended or a partner has passed away
- Trying to think of ways to get back together with a former partner even if it’s not a great idea
Coping With the Denial Stage of Grief
Dr. Daramus also shares some steps that can help people cope with the denial stage of grief:
- Give it time: Time is the most important healer of grief. Everyone heals on their own timeline and some people take longer than others to cope. Healing often occurs in small increments every day rather than all at once.
- Start looking toward the future: In the wake of a loss, it can sometimes be difficult to picture what life will look like afterward. However, as we feel ready, we may find that we’re able to start thinking of the future again. We can start with small steps or plans that feel manageable.
- Maintain a journal: Some people find journaling helpful, but be careful not to use it in a way that promotes staying stuck in the past.
- Seek help if unable to cope: Grief is normal as long as we don’t become depressed to the point that we can’t function for a long time, or in a way that’s harmful to us. Grief counseling can help us process our loss and accept it.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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