There’s a special kind of emotional drain that comes from talking to someone who disagrees with everything you say. And thanks to a string of viral TikToks, this particular red flag now has a name: the “contrarian friend.”
This type of companion isn’t just occasionally opinionated or a stickler for proper grammar. No matter the topic, the “contrarian” is always chiming in with a buzzkill rebuttal. You rave about a new “must-try” restaurant? The “contrarian” will shut you down with an instinctive, “Actually, the food was pretty mid.” You mention your 5-mile run together—“Technically, it was only 4.5.” You text your group chat in full caps about the latest celebrity couple? According to the “contrarian,” it’s obviously a PR stunt—can’t you tell from their conveniently-timed upcoming movie release?
“It’s not unusual to have a friend who challenges whatever opinion you might have,” Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, a licensed counselor and chair of the department of counseling and higher education at Northern Illinois University College of Education, tells SELF. Some people thrive on spirited back-and-forths or genuinely believe they’re being helpful by offering more nuanced or accurate input. Over time, however, the need to push back on your thoughts, your excitement, your harmless opinions can feel less like playful or intellectual banter, and more like a quiet effort to dim your spark. (Come on… sometimes we just need our friend to agree that Pedro Pascal is the moment without the needlessly logical counterpoints.)
So how can you spot a so-called “contrarian friend” in your life? Here’s what to look for.
What are the signs of a ‘contrarian friend’?
This habit of playing devil’s advocate 24/7 isn’t always malicious—or even intentional.
In some cases, the constant pushback could come from poor social awareness, Christina Ferrari, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in Miami, tells SELF. This person may believe they’re helping by correcting a detail you misremembered, or offering context they think you missed (without realizing how dismissive and frankly, exhausting it is for you). “Others may also be depressed and have a more generally negative outlook about everything, not just you,” Dr. Ferrari points out.
But most often, “the contrarian just enjoys having the last word or adding controversy for the sake of controversy itself,” Dr. Degges-White explains—perhaps because they crave the attention that comes with being “different,” they want to seem more intelligent with their one-upmanship, or because tearing you down somehow lifts them up.
A few hallmark signs you may be dealing with this toxic type of “contrarian” include:
- They interrupt your happy moments. You’re midway through an exciting story about a first date gone well or a long-overdue promotion at work, when all of a sudden, they swoop in with a put-down: “Well, isn’t this only the first date?” “Actually, that’s not a promotion—it sounds more like a raise.”
- They fixate on irrelevant details. Maybe you’re recounting a funny moment from girls’ night or showing off the retro gem you scored at a vintage shop. Rather than responding to the bigger point, a “contrarian” will latch onto something more trivial, like how technically, that leather jacket isn’t truly vintage, since the brand only launched in 2010. In other words, they seem more fixated on correcting you, Dr. Ferrari points out, than connecting with you.
- Their tone sounds more smug than supportive. It’s one thing to gently fact-check you when you’re objectively wrong (like mispronouncing someone’s name, say). But if their delivery sounds more condescending (You know that trend isn’t new, right? Or, That’s such a basic take), that’s less about honesty and more about judgment, according to Dr. Degges-White.
- They only act this way with you. They’re overly sweet, attentive, and supportive with others, yet cold, critical, and dismissive with you. Perhaps they roll their eyes only when you get excited about something, or they’re quick to poke holes in your stories but let everyone else’s slide. These are signs that this devil’s advocate role isn’t an innocent personality quirk: It may be a targeted attempt to knock you down.
How to deal with the ‘contrarian friend’
Regardless of the reason behind their behavior, one thing remains true: Dealing with a “contrarian” can be exhausting. Friends are supposed to lift you up, not wear you down with endless nitpicking.
