My wife and I have been together for more than 10 years and married for four. We have small children. I love her deeply, but our marriage is essentially empty of sex and physical intimacy, and she refuses to talk about it beyond acknowledging there is a problem. I am a woman who values physical intimacy and I am deeply attracted to her. I want to feel more desired and alive. But lovemaking is extremely rare, always initiated by me and follows the same pattern. She does not focus on giving me pleasure. The rest of the time I am rebuffed, leaving me feeling ashamed and unattractive. Even the mildest of playful or suggestive messages I send are met with silence. So I bother less and less.
Naturally, I want to know what is going on for her. We are already having couples therapy, but this is not a subject we have tackled successfully. Outside these sessions, my attempts to discuss it are either avoided or met with anger. Do I simply give up, after so many years of trying and failing to make things better? I cannot forget my needs and desires just because they are not reciprocated.
I wonder why you have not persisted with the issue of sexuality in your couples therapy sessions? Sex is often an expression of your entire relationship and should not be ignored in the therapeutic environment. It can be difficult to bring up and discuss, but clearly you have strong feelings about the lack of intimacy, and are obviously sad and imbued with longing. If you do not give space to this great sense of loss and shame you are feeling, you are condemning yourself to continue in quiet desperation, and threatening the longevity of your marriage. You deserve to be heard.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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