Welcome to Asking for a Friend, an advice column that helps you make sense of your messiest, most complicated friendship moments. Each month, clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, will answer readers’ burning—and anonymous—questions. Got one of your own? Ask Dr. Miriam here.
Dear Dr. Miriam,
My friend keeps forgiving her cheating partner. I was really supportive the first few times it happened, but at this point, talking to her feels like a lost cause. I already know she’s going to forgive him (again), and then come back to me the next time he does something awful. This has definitely taken a toll on our friendship, at least on my end. I feel drained, resentful, and annoyed when we hang out. I don’t want to give an “ultimatum,” but is it wrong to distance myself until she ends things for good? If not, what are a few specific ways to prevent my resentment towards her partner from ruining our friendship?
—Stuck Watching Her Settle
Stuck Watching Her Settle,
I’ll cut to the chase: Ultimatums are more complicated than we like to admit.
They’re often a last resort—a strategy we turn to when all else has failed and we’re feeling depleted or desperate, as you’ve pointed out. But ultimatums are also rooted in tremendous hopefulness: You probably wouldn’t be considering one if you didn’t think there was a chance it might work.
As a therapist, I’m not in the habit of telling people what to do, but here’s my instinct: Could you give an ultimatum? Yes, of course. But should you? Probably not. At least not before considering a few possible outcomes.
If you do go forward with your ultimatum…
First, let’s agree that ultimatums should really only be offered if you have every intention of following through. Otherwise, they’re just threats (and actually a form of relational aggression). It’s worth asking yourself whether you’re truly prepared to let go of this friendship if that’s what your friend decides—or whether you’re okay being in one that’s rooted in an ultimatum if your friend “chooses you.”
Second: We like to think of ultimatums as being binary. There are two choices, and so logically there must only be two outcomes: Either you stay friends because of this forced choice or you don’t. But this isn’t always true. What happens if your friend finally listens to your not-so-gentle nudging, leaves her partner, yet continues to vent about the relationship or breakup? What if she starts dating someone else who also happens to cheat, or lie, or steal, or chew loudly with their mouth open? Yes, one of these things is not like the other, but you get the idea. You could always find yourself in a new aggravating and concerning cycle. So perhaps ultimatums are best reserved for exceptional circumstances.
Now, if you still feel like you’re forced into an ultimatum-giving situation because of your growing resentment and narrowing of options, allow me to introduce some alternatives to consider first:
What else can you do besides giving an ultimatum?
1. You can subtly pull away.
As you’ve suggested, you can distance yourself by dialing back the energy or time you devote to these conversations. I wonder, do you feel compelled to answer the phone every time she rings? Do you allow conversations to go on longer than you have the capacity for? What is one small shift you can make that would lessen the load you’re carrying?
2. Work on changing your perspective.
When a direct conversation isn’t an option (or your preference), shifting your mindset can subtly make any interactions with your friend, and maybe even her partner, a little more bearable. For instance, have you tried to truly understand why she keeps going back? Is there something more damaging or dangerous going on in their dynamic? How often do you approach your conversation with the intention of convincing over connecting?
You can even ask her to share some of the good things going on in their relationship, which might give you a more balanced perspective and reduce your frustration. That, or she might come up short, and that can be revealing in and of itself.
3. Set (and communicate) clearer limits.
Depending on your particular friendship, you could let her know that you’re not in a position to fill in the blank: Spend time with all three of you together? Be the person she turns to for support in a moment of hurt? Talk about her partner, period?
Vocalizing your boundaries can also sound like:
- It hurts me to see you hurt over and over, so it’s hard for me to support you in the way I want to.
- I need to take a step back from talking about your relationship because I’m not sure our conversations are helping either of us right now.
- I care about you, and that’s exactly why I’m bringing this up. I don’t want us to drift, and I know this is what I need to help make that possible.
