My 83-year-old mother recently confessed to me that she has never had an orgasm. My father has a terminal illness and, realistically, won’t be with us much longer. My mum is therefore slowly and, with difficulty, contemplating a life without her partner of more than 50 years. I want to help her appreciate that a life without my dad can still be fulfilling, and I wonder whether a part of that could be to discover self-pleasure. Is that possible at her age? And, if so, could it be more traumatic to discover that she lived for so long without knowing the sensation of orgasm or sharing that with her partner? Just as importantly, is this a conversation that an adult child should have with their mother, and how should I go about it?
I know a lot of people will feel uncomfortable about this, but I think it’s great that your mother is able to talk to you about these issues. She may also be wanting to impart some wisdom to you, perhaps about how important women’s pleasure is. And it’s interesting she’s spoken to you and not her friends. Did she ask for actual help? How was it couched?
Your mother also has a condition which you asked me not to mention, and the medication for this can cause a reduction in desire or a heightened sexuality, so that is also something to consider. It may indeed be the latter, given the conversation happening now. There’s a lot going on in your lives, not least the prospect of profound grief, and I am very sorry about your dad’s illness.
The good news is that of course your mother can be helped at 83 – 10% of people over 90 are still sexually active
It’s never too late to discover the joys of self-pleasure. I went to counselling psychologist and psychosexual and relationship therapist Jo Coker, who is also director of therapy and training standards at COSRT, the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists. She pointed out that it is not too late for your mum to have psychosexual and relationship therapy, either now or at a later date. “Your parents’ marriage has been a long one, and I expect your mother may have held on to the hope that an orgasm would eventually happen. Your father’s illness not only ends that hope, but incurs great loss and grief at losing her life partner and considering her future.
“The good news is that of course she can be helped at 83 – 10% of people over 90 are still sexually active. If she does go to specialist therapy, the first thing would be to take a full history of her sexual development and sex life. Is there anything that may be preventing her from being able to orgasm?”
There will also be questions relating to her understanding of sex, Coker explains. “Women of your mum’s generation may not be aware that clitoral stimulation is often needed to orgasm and there are several ways to achieve this.”
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If your mum does want to explore sex toys, Coker recommends taking into consideration “age-related factors such as any physical issues”.
The best way to broach this subject is to refer back to the conversation she had with you about not having had an orgasm, and explain that there are other ways beyond penetrative sex with another person. I am guessing you won’t want to show her this reply, but that could be useful. Going to see a therapist may be a huge step – maybe one too far – for your mum, but it may also help her with the pre-emptive grief she feels.
If we remove the idea of any sort of shame about sex, what we’re left with is a conversation about pleasure. Yes, not many mothers and daughters discuss this, but that’s not to say one can’t or shouldn’t.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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