I am struggling with the different way my parents have treated me and my brother. My dad started a business when I was five. Now it’s worth several million. My brother was invited by my dad to go into the business when he left university. I was not. By then, the business was well established and my dad stayed on as CEO. My dad gave my brother 80% of it. He will now sell the business and realise millions, meaning he can retire early.
My dad helped me with university fees and house purchases. He’s told me I will inherit the house and whatever money is left when my parents pass away, which is likely to be in about 20 years. I doubt there will be anything left.
My dad said he will leave my child and my brother’s daughter some money too. He said this will be equal amounts as “things have to be fair and equal”. Given my brother has millions, and his daughter will never have any financial concerns, I find this makes the situation even more unequal. It really hurts.
I struggle to pay my mortgage and find covering basic costs hard. My brother has always had a high salary from the business, and an extremely luxurious lifestyle, including a second home.
When I’ve raised this issue with my parents, I’ve been repeatedly told I am horribly ungrateful. Both think that because my brother worked in the business and I didn’t, I don’t deserve a share in it. I feel that if another employee had done my brother’s job, they wouldn’t have been given 80% of it.
I am a doctor and work really hard. I regularly help my dad with health issues, but no matter what I do in my career or personal life, I feel horribly dismissed. How can I come to terms with this?
I felt the sting of injustice in your letter and wondered why better conversations weren’t had earlier on. But this is what happens when families don’t sit down and discuss such important matters.
I went to the UKCP-registered psychotherapist Michelle Briggs. She said: “Money can often be a proxy for other things going on in relationships. The line that really stood out for me in your letter was that you feel horribly dismissed and a second-rate member of the family. It sounds as if you are valuing your self-worth based on the money your parents give you, when in truth you feel emotionally neglected.”
I wonder if you could raise the imbalance you feel with your parents without mentioning money?
It sounded as if your dad’s foray into business wasn’t easy, so Briggs wondered if your early years were marked by financial worry that you picked up from your parents. Were you bothered about not being invited into the family business at the time, or is it only now that you feel the exclusion?
Briggs pointed out that your parents gave you “a very large contribution to your house, and paid for your education, even though it is a fraction of what was given to your brother, so it isn’t that they don’t care at all”. They are also leaving you the house in their will, plus whatever may be left over.
But the overarching theme in your letter is that you believe your parents favour your brother over you. I can’t make this better for you. You say you don’t want to talk to them, but I wonder if you could raise the imbalance you feel without mentioning money?
Briggs felt this could be a chance to think about the sort of relationship you’d like with your family. “It will take courage and there’s a risk you may hear things you don’t like, but airing your feelings with them will still help you move on.”
What would make things OK for you? Is there an imagined scenario that would put things right, and is that achievable? I wonder what your brother’s take on all of this is.
You won’t shake off this feeling of injustice unless you talk to your parents, but you don’t have to centre on money, and it may help if you acknowledge what they have done for you, even if you don’t think things are fair.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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