Most of the time, breakups are supposed to be clean-cut endings—no second thoughts, no leftover feelings, and generally, no contact. Yet a new, surprising statistic suggests that leaving the past behind may no longer be a priority these days.
According to a survey from The Matchmaking Company, which surveyed more than 2,300 people across the US, 66% of respondents reported that they still talk to a few of their exes. And for Gen Z in particular, 28% say they’re in touch with “most or all” of them.
“There are many reasons why people talk to their exes, especially right after a breakup,” Nari Jeter, LMFT, licensed couples therapist in Florida, tells SELF—whether it’s an attempt to stay friends, a matter of habit, or the secret hope for reconciliation. The problem, though, is that staying emotionally connected can keep you stuck in the past, delaying closure and making it difficult to fully invest in future relationships. (The same survey found that more than two thirds of respondents would be uncomfortable if their partner stayed close with someone they previously dated. Meanwhile, 57% admit they’ve compared a current partner to an ex at some point.)
That’s why, while going no-contact with someone you’ve known and loved for years can feel brutal, it’s usually the most effective way to heal. “For the person who has an easier time moving on, it’s a form of setting clear, firm boundaries,” Jeter explains—especially if they feel pressured to support or check in on their former partner. “And for the one who’s struggling more with the breakup, no-contact provides a detox period where they can fully accept the end of the relationship”—a process that becomes much harder when communication is on and off.
Still, even when the benefits are self-explanatory, cutting ties is easier said than done, as shown by this statistic. “Back then, you could break up cleanly—you didn’t know their location; you couldn’t see who they were connecting with on social media,” Jeter points out. But now, even if you’re not texting or talking, your ex’s life can feel omnipresent through mutual friends’ Instagram stories, Venmo feed updates, or other digital reminders.
So for anyone who’s struggling to create that distance, Jeter suggests starting small and committing to just one month of no direct communication—along with blocking or muting them online. (“Thirty days is a significant enough amount of time to allow for emotional detachment and habit changes to occur,” she explains.) Whenever the urge to check their socials or reach out does hit (which it probably will), redirect your attention elsewhere, whether that’s taking a walk or calling a friend instead.
“Many people find the idea of ‘I’m never going to speak to them again?!’ hard to swallow,” Jeter says. But taking it day by day, as cliché as the advice is, makes an emotionally tumultuous process more manageable—and creates room for healing that can’t happen when you’re still in touch.
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