If you love someone with substance use problems, this was a particularly cruel week to be on the internet.
As soon as authorities said they suspected that the person responsible for Rob and Michele Reiner’s deaths over the weekend was their son Nick, who’s been open about his experiences with drug addiction, the internet moved quickly to offer their armchair psychoanalysis.
Some kids are just born “bad seeds,“ one woman wrote on X, alongside a photo of Nick as a child with what she called an “empty expression.”
“He has Sanpaku eyes,” a number of people wrote on social media, lifting a term from Japanese face reading that’s used to describe eyes where you can see white above or below the iris.
Others scrutinized Rob and Nick’s body language in interviews from 2016, when the pair were promoting “Being Charlie” — a film Rob directed and Nick co-wrote, drawing on his own experiences with drug addiction and periods of homelessness.
“Nick Reiner is a sociopath who went to rehab 17 times,” one X user wrote alongside an interview clip. “Psychologists warned of his manipulative behavior, but Nick convinced his father that the doctors were the real problem. Nick then got his father to direct a movie where the father was a villain for sending his son to rehab.”
Nick, 32, has been charged with two counts of first-degree murder in connection with the fatal stabbing of his parents. His younger sister, Romy Reiner, reportedly found her father’s body inside the family’s Brentwood home on Sunday.
The details of the case are sad and deeply unnerving enough without people piling on, said Dominique Dajer, the host “For Love of Recovery,” a podcast which helps siblings and their families navigate substance use disorder (SUD).
“My younger brother has dealt with substance use as a teen and has tried different treatment approaches that didn’t work for him long-term,” she said. “If our family and his broader support team shrugged him off as a ‘bad seed’ like society has with Nick Reiner, then there would be no hope.”
Dajer and her family never gave up on her brother, encouraging him to seek treatment and stay sober. That seemed to be the case with Michele and Rob when it came to their son as well; the couple reportedly remained dedicated to Nick’s recovery up until the end, even if they were “were really at a loss as to what else to do,” according to family friend Alan Horn, who co-founded Castle Rock Entertainment with Rob.
Laura Cavanaugh via Getty Images
Rob and Nick Reiner during a 2016 interview about their movie “Being Charlie,” a film Nick co-wrote and collaborated with his father on.
Fortunately, Dajer’s brother found a program tailored to teens and young adults that worked for him and he’s now sober long-term, “healthy, happy and thriving.”
He was lucky. It’s estimated that around 40 to 60% of people in treatment for substance use disorders will relapse, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse.
That’s what makes conversations centered on Nick’s numerous rehab stints — and on whether someone deserves compassion after so many attempts — so disappointing to read, Dajer said.
“When someone is in remission from cancer, and the cancer returns or metastasizes, we don’t blame the patient, but we do when that person relapses or has a hard time finding a recovery plan for their substance use,” she said.
“There are so many variables that determine whether treatment will work for someone,” she added, be it “the right medical approach, the right medications, the right emotional and community support, environment.”
Adding To The ‘Stigma Of Addiction’
Caitlin Allaway, a Portland, Oregon-based psychologist who specializes in treating addiction, has also been disheartened by comments on the internet.
“It has been especially troubling that many of these conversations quickly slide into dehumanization, with ideas like ‘Sanpaku eyes’ or reading moral character from body language,” Allaway told HuffPost.
“You can’t label someone as manipulative or irredeemable based solely on an anatomical feature that is not grounded in science or clinical reality and perpetuate harmful stereotypes,” she said.
They reflect a longstanding impulse to explain addiction as a “moral failing” or character flaw rather than through what we actually know: Substance use disorders are complex medical and psychological conditions shaped by biology, environment and access to care, Allaway said.
With drug and alcohol addiction, substances hijack the brain’s reward system, and finding the right type of help that actually sticks can be challenging.
“These kinds of comments may feel observational to the commenter, but they add to the stigma of addiction and actively harms people who are struggling or seeking help,” she said.
Denise Truscello via Getty Images
In a statement released Wednesday, Michelle and Rob Reiner’s two other children, Jake and Romy, asked for “respect and privacy” and “for speculation to be tempered with compassion and humanity.”
Clout-chasing content creators and body language experts on TikTok are treating this story as their next true crime fix. People on social media forget (or willfully ignore) the fact that there are real people at the center of it ― that there’s a beyond-horrific family tragedy currently playing out, not an episode of “My Favorite Murder.”
In a statement released Wednesday, Michele and Rob’s two other children ― Jake, 34, and Romy, 28 ― seemed to allude to that; the pair asked for “respect and privacy” and “for speculation to be tempered with compassion and humanity.”
Beyond the Reiner family, people in Al-Anon forums have said they’ve felt jolted by the tenor of comments online, not to mention the details of the story itself. When a loved one has struggled with drugs or alcohol use for years, it’s hard not to constantly cycle through worst-case scenarios in your head: What they might do to themselves or to someone else. The midnight call that could come, revealing your worst fear. The Reiners’ story represents a nightmare version of that.
Going online and encountering viral posts labeling Nick a “bad seed” only deepens that anxiety. The callous comments underscore how quickly society will move to vilify people with addiction, despite a growing consciousness of these issues (not to mention the fact that research shows people with mental health disorders, overall, are more likely to be victims of violent crimes than the ones perpetrating them).
“I imagine family members coming across these posts are experiencing shame, emotional pain, and a sense of being judged, while also feeling deeply protective of their loved ones,” Allaway said. “Worse, such stigma can discourage families from seeking support, promote secrecy and intensify isolation.”
Those feeling shaken by the comments might want to check out the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)’s HelpLine and its Family Caregiver HelpLine, both free, confidential nationwide services that provide one-on-one emotional support, mental health information and resources.
Online commenters likely aren’t thinking of those who’ve dealt with SUD themselves and how frustrating it is to see addiction reflexively linked to violent acts.
“I would hazard to jump to conclusions at this point that whatever transpired was entirely to do with Nick’s struggles with addiction,” said Risley Lesko, a counselor who navigated his own sobriety as a young man and now treats clients facing addiction and co-occurring disorders.
“There could be mental health factors or dynamics that were happening within the family that we don’t know about,” he said.
Getty Images via Getty Images
Rob Reiner and his son Nick Reiner watch a game between the San Antonio Spurs and the Los Angeles Lakers in March 2001. Reiner told the New Yorker in 2016 that he had a mantra as Nick was growing up: “Keep him alive until he’s 25.”
Like many people living with addiction, it sounded like Nick cycled through periods of recovery and relapse. Authorities have not provided any details about a possible motive in the case.
“I can say anecdotally, I know many people that have struggled to the extent that Nick has struggled, and gone through similar life experiences, but they haven’t allegedly stabbed anybody or stabbed their own parents,” Lesko said.
As for those commenting about how the Reiners should have cut their son off long before it came to the possibility of this, they’ve likely never dealt with the pain of loving someone with an addiction.
“Those are comments painfully familiar to me,” said Lara P. Horan, a content creator and volunteer crisis counselor who grew up with parents who lived with addiction issues.
Some do walk away ― Horan did for a period ― as a form of self-preservation, but it’s incredibly difficult to do. Her parents eventually went to rehab, but it was at their own volition ― she couldn’t convince them to do it ― and she said they’re doing well now.
“Until you have reached that stage with a loved one, or even truly understand what it entails, stay in your lane, and leave the sweeping judgmental and ill-informed absolute statements of strangers on television to professionals,” Horan said.
What’s touched Horan about this horrific situation is the love the Reiners had for their son, and how they never seemed to give up on him. In 2016, Rob told The New Yorker that he had a mantra as Nick was growing up: “Keep him alive until he’s 25.”
As recently as four months ago while promoting “Spinal Tap II,” the director was saying that Nick was “great” and “hasn’t been doing drugs for over six years.”
“When you listen to Rob Reiner speak about his innate drive to protect his son, and hear the informed, educated language he used to describe Nick’s addiction, you want to help others understand the message Rob was trying to convey,” Horan said.
This should be a moment for education, not maligning.
“Eighteen attempts at rehab before this alleged murder should be a wake-up call for our society,” Horan said. “Instead of shaming addicts and alcoholics or making them feel even worse about themselves, our energy would be far better spent developing more realistic, long-term support systems.”
Need help with substance use disorder or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.
