I am a 44-year-old man, with a seven-year-old son. His mother and I are divorced, and I moved out when he was three. We share custody; he is with me three days/nights a week – including part of the weekend. He is doing well at school and has varied interests. He is a very happy child and the most precious thing to me.
I have been in a steady relationship with a remarkable woman for three years. She and my son get along beautifully; he looks forward to seeing her and she loves him very much.
I’ve been considering remarrying. All the ingredients of a happy life are in place, but I am worried it might have an adverse effect on my son. I do not want to introduce any confusion into his life.
While he has spent loads of time with my girlfriend and I, it seems he has yet to grasp that we are in a relationship. A few months ago, he heard me refer to her on the phone as “my girlfriend” and said, “I thought she was your friend. I didn’t know she was your girlfriend.” We didn’t discuss it further and I took care to never refer to her as “my girlfriend” again.
I don’t know how to speak to him about it without making him insecure or confused. But I also feel it might be better to take this step now than later, when he is a preteen/teen – as he’ll probably feel very differently then. I don’t know if I am being overcautious, but I don’t want to do anything that interferes with his childhood and happiness.
The first thing you may have to get on board with is that your son’s reaction may not be exactly what you want, or it may change. But it’s up to you as the father to stabilise this, and you will because you’re thoughtful.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Lucy Fuller, who said, “The words ‘girlfriend’/ ‘partner’/‘wife’ may have a different definition to a seven-year-old than they do to you.”
She also wanted to reassure you that “it can often be forgotten that adults are entitled to romantic relationships.”
Be clear that your new partner is an addition to the family and will carve out their own role, and is not a replacement for your son’s mother
As long as you are age-appropriate, remember to be confident, as children take their lead from us. “If we are hesitant, anxious or secretive,” said Fuller, “children pick up on our unease without being able to understand what they are feeling, which can lead to acting out and have a negative effect on family dynamics.”
It’s important to remain thoughtful of your child’s feelings, but Fuller wanted you to be mindful that in some cases, “if the parent is not clear about their expectations as to how the partner is accepted, children can feel they have the power to enact their immature and instinctive need to reject a new partner who they could (and often do) perceive as a threat to their mother or father.
“So be clear that your new partner is an addition to the wider family and will carve out their own role, and is not in any way a substitute or replacement for your son’s mother. You need to reassure him that you love your girlfriend, but this does not diminish your love for him. That the love is not shared between you but is multiplied to include everyone.”
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I don’t know how you and your son best talk to one another, but maybe do something you both enjoy. Approach this with gentle confidence – because that will make him confident – and maybe refer back to that conversation where he said your girlfriend was just your friend as a starting point. What does he understand a girlfriend to mean?
At this point Fuller suggests you bring up the subject of marriage. She says, “Encourage him to ask questions about your girlfriend – answering in an age-appropriate manner – and your relationship. Respond confidently while reaffirming your love for him and his importance to both of you. Emphasise how much your girlfriend likes him, but bear in mind that his interest will be more about how he fits into the new dynamic.”
And remember that children are endlessly fascinated by the practicalities. You’re thinking about emotions, but his questions, at least at first, may well be deeply logistical.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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