I know that I don’t want to have any children, and that to not offer this up early in any relationship would make me a hypocrite. But I have become convinced that the reason I never meet anyone is because I am forthright about my opinion about children. How can I meet someone without having to be a liar or a hypocrite?
Eleanor says: If it’s your job to figure out when to share this, it’s also a partner’s job to figure out when to ask. Wanting kids isn’t like monogamy or working for a living, where until instructed otherwise people can basically assume that’s your plan. More people than ever are deciding they don’t want kids. The fact that you’re one of them is not shocking, confronting or even especially unusual. If that’s a dealbreaker for a partner, they need to share their preference as much as you need to share yours.
So yes, there’s a reason to share this but it’s not because you’d be a liar or a hypocrite if you didn’t. It doesn’t need to be as hair-shirted as all that. After all, do people who want children start all their relationships by announcing “I know I want children”? If they don’t, do you immediately think, “liar”? A hypocrite is two-faced, preaches one thing and does another. Unless you’re banging on pots and pans saying “everyone should be totally forthcoming” while keeping this to yourself, I struggle to see why disclosing in your own time would make you a hypocrite.
You face the same difficulties we all do when it comes to lifestyle compatibility questions – whether we have or want kids, but also whether we’re open to marriage, whether we’ll move cities, be a stay-at-home parent, help take care of in-laws. For all of us, it is a delicate balance of figuring out how to candidly share our preferences about these things, in case they’re dealbreakers, without it coming off like the most important thing about us is our list of “no”s.
Too little candour, too late risks unnecessary pain, but too much too soon risks feeling like you’re ticking boxes, or racing to ask what a life partnership would look like before you’ve even established whether either of you want another date. It’s not “how do I avoid lying” so much as “how do I share this important thing about me without making it seem like the most important thing about me”.
There are enough people out there who don’t want children, or who at least haven’t made up their minds, that I’m confident your preference, by itself, won’t count you out of all relationships.
When the topic of children does come up, it might help to frame the conversation as what you’re saying yes to, rather than what you’re refusing. Once a person has some sense of who you are, you could say something like “I just want to flag this in case it really matters to you, I know I don’t want kids. I love my life and my friends and I want to spend my time doing (the things that are specific to you). I just want to make sure you know that going forwards.” Telling people what you do want rather than what you don’t somehow makes it feel a little more like a dispatch from your character – a part of who you are and what you’re like – and a little less like ground rules, box ticking or conflict anticipation.
When to move from an early-phase relationship to figuring out what a long-term one would look like is a hard question with many different answers. You can’t make that transition without some bumps in expectations. Discovering how you smooth those bumps together might be as telling as the preferences you both disclose.
