I’m approaching 30 and I’ve been single since I was 19. What’s more, I haven’t dated anyone. This isn’t a question of labels – I have objectively not seen anyone for 10 years.
I’m a straight man and I have felt quite a bit of shame about not dating and not seeing anyone, and I have lied about my circumstances to family and friends. “Oh, yeah, I’ve been on dates,” and “Oh, yeah, I have a sex life,” are some of the lies I have repeated.
I have more or less gotten over the reasons why I might have isolated myself emotionally from other people. I no longer tell myself that I am unlikable/unlovable, and am open to the idea that other people could be attracted to me. But, I can’t fathom how to meet anyone. I can’t read anyone’s body language, and feel flirt-illiterate. How does a 30-year-old man meet people they might like and be honest about their dating illiteracy and inexperience without compounding the problem?
Eleanor says: There’s plenty of advice on how to get “a date” or “a girlfriend”, as though they’re a uniform species. Like catching “a trout”. Some such advice is fine (be punctual, don’t expect mind reading), but I’d be wary of treating dating as a uniform activity – one big sport where everyone but you knows the rules. Dating’s different for everyone. Just like the friendships between high school girlfriends have different norms and origins from the friendships between golf buddies, your dating life will look particular to you. Figuring it out isn’t about figuring out how to “date” per se. It’s about figuring out how to be yourself enough that the people who are looking for you can find you.
With that in mind, here are some generalisations that should be treated as exactly that.
Go where your people are likely to be
“People” are everywhere, but you’re not just trying to meet people, you’re trying to meet your people. Go where they’re likely to be – joint activities, hobbies, shared friend groups. Expanding your romantic life often involves just expanding your social life: making sure you’re out, known, in the habit of chatting to people you don’t know.
Flirting is not about getting laid
It might help to think of flirting as an extension of social bonding rather than a strategy unique to dating. It’s just creating chemistry. Do you make people feel like the most interesting thing in the room? Do you hold eye contact a smidge longer in a way that suggests they’re fascinating? Does it seem as though there’s some mischief that you’re in on together? When figuring out whether people are flirting with you, it’s the same thing in reverse. If someone is trying to build some chemistry, they will find reasons to share things with you.
Check the baggage
A lot of philosophers worry that our closest relationships often start in a bit of deception: we act like our best selves in early romance. In fact, I think this is for good reason. You don’t want to make your neurosis or baggage the other person’s responsibility at first. In your case, you’ve felt unlovable in the past and you worry about your inexperience. But I don’t think it’s dishonest not to disclose this. The risk of sharing these things is they could become symbols for both of you – a date can’t just be a date, a rejection can’t just be a rejection. It becomes a symbol of your worth or romantic viability. That’s a lot to put out there in the early stages of getting to know someone – for them and for you. It’s important to have your own ways of dealing with the fears and vulnerabilities dating can bring up. Since you have learned ways to manage your negative self-talk, it sounds as though you’re well on the way. Let yourself be seen for you, not for your fears and woes.
And when in doubt, you can just ask. You mentioned finding it hard to read body language, feeling “flirt illiterate”. Partly this is by design. A lot of flirting deliberately retains its plausible deniability. That being said, if your challenges reading social cues are general, not dating-specific, it may be worth coming up with direct and friendly ways to clarify: “I’m not always sure if I’ve read the vibe right, but would you like to get a drink or dinner together?” Some people will feel liberated if you give them permission to say exactly what they mean.
I know this stuff feels like an impossible world to break into, but believe me that dating is just an extension of the social interactions you’re used to. It’s not about learning a new language or world; it’s about being yourself, on purpose, in ways that let your people find you.
