I’m a woman in my late 30s who, since childhood, has thought it vital to be polite to those around me, including saying sorry when I feel I’ve done something wrong. While I have a happy and fulfilling life, I’ve always had very low self-confidence. This combination of wanting to acknowledge others appropriately and constantly doubting myself has turned me into a person who apologises a great deal. Often, it happens so fast I’m not even conscious of it. It is definitely coming from a place of anxiety and has affected my personal and professional life. It drives my loved ones and colleagues mad, and then it drives me mad that they point it out – only making me more anxious about it.
It is a particular problem when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of others. I try to have everything written down so I stay concise and don’t go off on a nervous tangent, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. I am an early-career academic specialising in politics, so speaking confidently is important. I have been trying to fix this by “exposure therapy”, teaching classes and forcing myself to ask any question I can at public events – despite numerous public “humiliations” by established male academics. I have also tried to consider “pausing” before speaking, so I am more aware of when I’m apologising, but that will only work initially before I fall off the wagon again.
I don’t think I’ll ever like myself, and there is nothing I can do about that. I’m at peace with it and still enjoy life. I just want to stop apologising so much. I’ve read that therapy may help, but how?
Apologising is a skill, and a precious one. But it has to be used appropriately (interesting that you yourself used that word). Too little or too much and you’re asking the other person to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
I went to UKCP -registered psychotherapist Ali Ross, who wondered where this compulsion came from. “How young were you when this solidified?” he asked. “Was it self-inspired or an inherited principle from someone close to you?” Sometimes, ways of behaving as children which served us well become maladaptive to us in adulthood.
Indeed, some of your behaviours now could be seen as self-sabotage (you might find the podcast I did on this subject helpful). You know it drives those around you “mad”, and yet you still do it.
Consider how apologising serves you? Normally this is an attempt to avoid shame and exposure. What would it be like not to apologise in those moments?
“You ask what therapy could do for you in this,” said Ross. “So much of what you detail is about doing, trying, problem-identifying and solving. Much of good therapy is about ‘being’ not ‘doing’, because in ‘doing’ we often miss ourselves.” In other words, a good therapist will gently challenge you, but won’t try to fix you; they give you a safe place to think about, and ultimately accept, who you are.
Ross felt that instead of exposure therapy, you might want “a relational approach, maybe with a ‘humanist’ therapist. This will help bring you back to yourself and look at how you treat, judge, dismiss and invalidate yourself. This can help you catch self-criticism, interrupt it and find more self-compassionate ways to view it. Your confidence can grow from there.”
This will take time, but you’ve taken an important first step by acknowledging there is an issue.
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It’s very hard, in the heat of a stressful moment, to change habits, and it sounds as if apologising is almost a reflex action, but I wonder if you could, as Ross says, “consider how apologising serves you? What would it be like not to apologise in those moments? Normally this is an attempt to avoid shame and exposure: ‘If I acknowledge what I suspect you’re about to notice about me, at least I show that I recognise my shortcomings.’ You seem to be trying to take control over something that is beyond your control, which is how people perceive you. Ironically, by trying to control this they will likely feel frustrated. You then feel out of control … ” And a vicious circle ensues.
Even thinking things through after the event can be helpful. Could you count in your head to 10 before answering, or have a stock phrase to say instead of “I’m sorry”? It could be something like “I see”, if appropriate – a great phrase which makes people feel heard, but doesn’t hold you accountable.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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