Friendship breakups are extremely common. Research shows that up to 70% of close friendships dissolve after seven years, and a 2023 YouGov poll found that over two-thirds of Americans have ended a friendship in their lifetime.
Even though breaking up with a friend is not a rare experience, that doesn’t mean losing a close friend doesn’t significantly affect one’s emotional health or even brain health.
Jump to Key Takeaways.
What Happens in the Brain When You Lose a Close Friend?
1. Your Mind Feels Threatened
A friendship loss can cause the activation of the amygdala (an area of the brain primarily associated with emotional responses), neurologist and author of “Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain” Lisa Shulman, MD explains.
“The amygdala surveys the environment for threat. When emotional trauma reaches a threshold, the amygdala ‘sounds the alarm,’ triggering a cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones to prepare the body to defend itself.”
2. Your Hormones May Become Dysregulated
According to board-certified psychiatrist Sharon Batista, MD, some of the neurotransmitters that may be triggered include serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine—all responsible for mood regulation and emotional processing.
Batista says the dysregulation of serotonin, linked to feelings of well-being and happiness, can lead to mood disturbances, while the reduction of dopamine, associated with reward and pleasure, can lead to feelings of anhedonia or the loss of pleasure. Additionally, norepinephrine, involved in the body’s stress response, may be elevated, contributing to a surge of anxiety during the grieving process.
3. Your Memory and Emotions Sync Up (and Can Work Against You)
Over time, the “emotional” brain can become sensitized and strengthened by environmental triggers, such as reminders of the loss, to the detriment of the “thinking” brain or cerebral cortex, says Dr. Shulman. “In this way, the emotional components of memory can overwhelm the cognitive components, resulting in increased anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbance.”
The Psychological Effects of Losing a Close Friend
1. Ambiguous Grief
Similar to the loss of a romantic partner, losing a close friend can trigger feelings of grief, says clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD. Stevie Blum, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York, agrees, adding, “Losing a close friend can feel a lot like grieving a death.” It often creates ambiguous grief, she says, “which is the pain of mourning the loss of someone who is still alive but no longer in your life in the way that you are used to.”
Ambiguous grief is especially challenging for the mind to grapple with as there’s often a lack of closure and thus confusion as to why the relationship ended, Blum adds.
2. Feelings of Rejection
As friendships often fulfill crucial needs for belonging and attachment, this loss can lead to feelings of rejection, self-doubt, and loneliness, says Dr. Romanoff. In addition to sadness, anger, and even symptoms of depression and anxiety, Dr. Batista adds. Over time, this can result in low self-esteem and issues with social identity.
3. Fear Response
“Depending on the nature of the breakup, it could create a fear response in which individuals are afraid to sabotage other relationships or open up to possible future hurt or disappointment,” says Blum. As a result, those experiencing a friendship loss may self-isolate as a self-protective mechanism to reduce vulnerability and avoid emotional overload, says Dr. Romanoff.
How Is Losing a Close Friend Different Than Losing a Romantic Partner?
“From the brain’s perspective, the difference between different types of loss is in terms of their personal meaning,” says Dr. Shulman. In other words, the main difference between losing a close friend and losing a romantic partner greatly depends on the intensity and nature of the relationship.
Coping Strategies for Healing from a Friendship Loss
Experts recommend these strategies to heal from a friendship breakup:
1. Let Yourself Grieve
Just like you may mourn the end of a romantic relationship, the end of a close friendship deserves equal, if not more, acknowledgement.
“Treat the loss like any significant emotional event,” advises Romanoff. “Allow yourself to grieve the shared memories, connection, and role this person played in your life.”
2. Avoid Blame
After a breakup, it’s easy to fall into a negative cycle of blame toward the other person and even yourself. But rather than focusing your attention on assigning blame, “acknowledge that the way the two of you interact with one another no longer works and the relationship has run its course,” says Blum.
Friendship changes are a natural part of life, and so it’s best to focus on acceptance—even though it might be difficult at first. Blum recommends avoiding revisionist history, too, as just because a relationship ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable. “You can connect with the positive memories while acknowledging the reasons why it ended at the same time,” she says.
3. Get Curious
After the initial grieving process of a breakup, it can be beneficial to get curious about why the relationship ended from a non-judgmental place, affirms Blum. “Use the lens of relational patterns to identify what worked and what didn’t,” says Romanoff.
You might consider jotting down a list of the good, the bad, and where there’s room for improvement. “Understanding these dynamics can help you grow and set healthier boundaries in future friendships.”
4. Set Intentional Goals for New Friendships
After reflecting on what might have caused your friendship to end, take some time to clarify what you value in a friendship, says Romanoff. Take stock of your non-negotiables and expectations from a meaningful friendship and let these goals guide you toward forming more fulfilling relationships moving forward.
5. Rebuild Your Support System
“Don’t let the loss of one friendship prevent you from appreciating the other friendships you do have that are evolving with you,” advises Blum. To reduce feelings of loneliness and get support, focus on building new social connections as well as strengthening existing ones, says Dr. Batista.
In addition to reinforcing your sense of belonging, according to attachment theory, forming new bonds can help re-establish emotional security, says Romanoff.
