It’s worth noting that leaving an unhealthy relationship—especially one that may involve abuse—is rarely as simple as walking away. People can stay stuck in these environments for a range of reasons, ranging from emotional (like shame or wanting to keep a family together) to practical (like financial dependence). There’s also the very real fear of escalation: “Abuse is about power and control,” Arlene Vassell, vice president of Programs, Prevention, and Social Change at the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, previously told SELF. “And if [the abuser] feels like they’re losing control, the violence may escalate.”
While we don’t know what actually happened—or is happening—between Paul and Mortensen, one thing is clear: The ripple effects go beyond the two of them: The rest of MomTok is feeling it too. “It’s hard to support [Paul] when she keeps doing the same thing over and over that she says she doesn’t want to,” fellow Mormon wife, Mayci, says in episode five of the new season. Castmate Mikayla Matthews seemingly confirmed the show’s hiatus in an Instagram story on March 19, writing that “it was a decision that all of us girls came up with and agreed on.”
It’s a plight many of us know all too well: being the friend on the sidelines through every on and off period. You sit through countless rants, help draft the “I deserve better” messages, and then quietly watch the pattern repeat.
“It’s quite an overshadowed perspective that we don’t talk about enough,” one woman, who requested anonymity, tells SELF. She recounts dozens of intervention attempts and heart-to-hearts with her former best friend, only to be accused of “peer-pressuring,” branded a “hater,” and dismissed as “nosy” about a relationship that technically isn’t her business. “I understand that people go through hurt in toxic dynamics, but we need to also talk about the toll on the friends who get disrespected in the process.”
Of course, there’s an argument that good friends will (and should!) support you through highs and lows, which is why we nod politely when our pals insist it’s “different this time” and offer a gentle, “I just want you to be happy” instead of delivering the harsh truth.
But the expectation to put your friendship first and “just be supportive” overlooks the other part of the equation: the labor of playing designated therapist over and over again—an exhausting déjà vu that Miami-based clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari, PhD, calls “compassion fatigue.”
