“I’ll especially see this with clients who have long wanted a relationship and when they finally get it, they start to panic and think, ‘Oh my gosh, I could get hurt because I really care about them,’” Jeter says. “Or, ‘I’m getting what I’ve asked for, but I didn’t consider the risk of how much it will hurt to lose this person.’” Essentially, the unspoken logic here becomes, If I push them away first, they can’t blindside me later.
4. You fixate on “what ifs” instead of enjoying what is.
Even in the happiest, healthiest, most secure relationships, it’s common for commitment issues to spark a relentless loop of doubt: Things are going well now…but what if there’s someone better out there? What if I’m settling? Instead of embracing the connection right in front of you, your mind fixates on imagined scenarios, Jeter says—comparing your partner to strangers or exes, say, or daydreaming about how your life might be different with someone else.
Subconsciously, this pattern often arises as a way to prevent yourself from putting all your eggs in one basket: If you’re always half-looking for the exit, you never have to face the raw vulnerability (and heartbreak) that comes with truly investing in one person. The problem, though, is that what feels like self-protection often ends up blocking you from the very intimacy and closeness you’ve already built.
How to overcome commitment issues
1. First, get clear on what you’re really scared of.
There’s a difference between struggling to make it official with anyone versus not wanting to with this particular person. So one way to tell the difference, Jeter says, is by digging deeper into what’s triggering your fears. Is it more generalized anxiety about being cheated on, say, or losing your sense of self? Or is it specific to your partner—mismatched life goals, perhaps unpredictable behaviors that make you question their motives? (The first points to broader commitment issues—which you can work on with the help of the tips below; the second could mean this connection simply isn’t the right fit.)
And if you’re struggling to figure out the answer on your own, an outside perspective (ideally from friends or family members who’ve seen your avoidant tendencies play out) can help. “Ask these people, ‘What do you notice about me when I tend to get into relationships? What are the things that you hear from me over?’” Thrall suggests. Chances are, your loved ones have picked up on habits you can’t see yourself—like how you always panic as soon as you hear the word “exclusivity,” or repeatedly chase emotionally unavailable people who leave you confused and insecure.
2. Commit to today—not “forever.”
Understandably, commitment can seem like this huge, all-or-nothing leap—like you’re picking one person to spend the rest of your life with. Instead, both experts recommend reframing what it really means to “be all in.”
“Consider when you’re taking a new job, for example,” Thrall says. “You aren’t thinking, ‘I’m going to be in this job for the rest of my life.’ It’s more like, ‘I’m going to be in this job as long as it’s the right fit for me.’” That same mindset can be applied to your love life: While you can’t predict what the next year (or five) will bring, you can decide, for now, whether this connection feels good and is worth investing in. And that perspective shift, Thrall says, can ease the pressure and create space to actually enjoy getting to know each other—without the anxiety.
3. Have an honest conversation with your partner.
As counterintuitive as it might sound, being upfront about these fears can help you feel safer and more secure, both experts say.
“I always suggest talking about these things early and honestly, because a lot of times people wait until they’re on that cliff of commitment,” Jeter says. “And then it’s like they’re jumping off a cliff.” However, by discussing these issues upfront (by saying, “I really like where we’re headed, but sometimes I get anxious thinking about what this means long term,” or “I like you a lot, but it takes me a bit to open up”), you’re building trust and strengthening your bond.
Ideally, a loving, supportive partner will respond with patience and reassurance, reminding you they’re not going anywhere or validating your hesitations at the very least. On the flip side, if they dismiss your feelings instead or pull further away, take this as a blessing in disguise: All that means is that they’re not the right person to build the type of committed, supportive romance you deserve.
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