Between dating app horror stories, talking stages that go nowhere, and meetups that feel more like job interviews, it’s easy to burn out and lose faith in the whole process. Somewhere along the way, under pressure to find The One, many of us forget that dating is supposed to be exciting (or at the very least not draining). So how do you bring back that playfulness?
Anwar White, a seasoned relationship coach and founder of Get Your Guy Coaching, hears this a lot. “Some of the complaints are that no one’s really serious out there,” White tells SELF. But what people often forget is that just as much as the journey revolves around the future of your love life, it’s also supposed to be enjoyable in the present. Yet “so many of us become hyper-focused on the results that make the experience lose its luster in a way,” White says.
Below, White and other relationship experts share a few strategies for reclaiming the joy of dating—whether you’re looking for a casual fling, a long-term partner, or even just a fun night out that leaves you feeling good afterward.
1. Throw out the checklist.
Most people already have a mental inventory of must-haves: ambition, emotional availability, strong communication skills—along with a few superficial ones like a certain height, job title, or hair color. While standards matter, rigid checklists are one of the few things that can quickly turn dating from exploratory to transactional.
“The fun of dating is this ability to step into someone else’s world—to find it interesting and to want to know what that’s like,” Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City, tells SELF. Maybe you meet a person whose career is completely different from your ex’s or whose personality challenges you in a complementary way. Usually what happens is the qualities that once felt so nonnegotiable end up fading when you’re having a good time, Tristan says.
2. Go in expecting to make a friend.
If you’re on the apps, you’re probably looking for romance—not a platonic connection. But White recommends treating each date as a chance to see whether you genuinely enjoy their company: “This reframe helps so many of my clients just exhale a bit and not take this so seriously,” making it easier to show up authentically and let meaningful conversations unfold naturally.
3. Let date nights double as something you already want to do.
If sitting through another obligatory drink or dinner makes you roll your eyes, switch up the plan. “Be intentional about where you go,” Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, certified sexologist and professor of human communication at California State University, Fullerton, tells SELF. In other words, choose an activity or location you’d want to check out even if you were alone—whether that’s walking through a farmers’ market, catching a new movie, or making a res at a trendy speakeasy you have yet to try. That way, even if the chemistry isn’t there, your time isn’t wasted.
4. Turn flirting into a challenge.
Finding your person doesn’t have to feel so serious or high-stakes. “Make a game out of getting to know people,” White suggests. The next time you and your friends are at the bar together, set a goal of getting at least two phone numbers, or see who can strike up a conversation first with the cute stranger sitting solo. According to White, this is a low-pressure way for introverts to build confidence and practice putting themselves out there.
5. Set a 10-30 minute timer on dating apps.
Burnout is almost inevitable when you’re spending hours on Hinge, endlessly swiping through profiles. That’s why Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn recommends capping your time altogether. The exact limit will look different for everyone—maybe it’s 10 minutes, maybe it’s 30. What matters is having a clear stopping point, which she says is one of the simplest ways to protect your energy and keep the process from feeling exhausting.
6. Use dating apps to practice banter.
Life is serious enough; dating doesn’t have to be. One of the easiest ways to bring lightness back into the process is through banter—playful, low-stakes teasing that creates momentum, tension, and chemistry. Yet according to White, a lot of people struggle with this, which is why the apps can be a low-risk place to practice.
