Passive-aggressive people rarely tell you exactly what’s bothering them. Instead, their frustration slips out in subtle ways: a backhanded joke, a heavy sigh, an uncharacteristically curt text—all of which can leave you wondering, Are they secretly upset, or am I just overthinking?
In some cases, withholding clear communication can be intentional—a way to force the other person to “guess” what’s wrong (which is as unhealthy as it is annoying). More often, though, “people simply are afraid to speak up for themselves in a way that’s direct,” Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City, tells SELF. “When they’re already overwhelmed, sad, or disappointed, they have to sit with these uncomfortable feelings on top of dealing with the fear of saying something that the other person may not be happy to hear.” That’s why, instead of stating, “I don’t like this,” or “I’m upset,” they resort to the silent treatment, for instance, or a vague, “Well if you say so….”
However, trying to reconcile what they say with what you sense can be exhausting. When we lack clear information and are instead met with a dismissive tone or tense body language, our brain can’t help but fill in the gaps, Tristan points out—often leading to assumptions, overthinking, and unnecessary stress.
In these moments, maybe you’re tempted to pry (“Are you sure you’re good?”)—only to be met with irritation at how “pushy” you’re being. Or you believe it when they insist nothing’s wrong, but find out later that there was an issue all along. So what are you supposed to do? Read on for expert-approved tips on how to handle passive-aggressive behavior.
1. Consider the context before reacting.
Not every short text or moment of silence that feels passive-aggressive actually is. Maybe your friend is being curt because they’re busy or distracted, or your partner isn’t annoyed with you—they’re preoccupied with unrelated family drama.
So before you start spiraling into assumptions, Tristan suggests taking a step back and considering all the facts: Did you do anything that might have upset them? Could any external factors be responsible for their “different” tone? It could be the case that your boss is snappy because they have a high-stakes meeting later, for instance, or your roommate is just the type of person who always sends “K” replies during the workweek. Taking this perspective helps you pick your battles and avoid unnecessary conflicts. That way, you’re not nitpicking every interaction that seems “off.”
2. Don’t meet passive aggression with passive aggression.
As tempting as it is to retort with a similarly backhanded comment, resist that urge. “You don’t have to ignore what’s happening, but you also shouldn’t meet them where they are,” Dralisa Young, LCSW, founder and clinical director of Favorite Therapy PLLC, tells SELF. Otherwise, you’ll only escalate that indirect tension, which is why it’s best to maintain calm, clear communication.
3. Ask for clarification.
When in doubt, Young suggests gently asking for clarity—something like, “You don’t sound that excited—are you sure you’re okay?” or simply, “What do you mean by that?”
