Back in the day when I used to run triathlons, I discovered something powerful that helped me get through in the face of physical challenge. It wasn’t just my training but the encouragement from the spectators and the other racers that helped me find the stamina to keep on going. The energy from those around me gave me the strength to do something that would otherwise have seemed nearly daunting.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that this is true for emotional challenges, as well.
Many of us are going through hard things right now. The news is tough to read, as perhaps it usually is. On a personal note, as I write this, I am grappling with the significant and sudden deterioration in my dad’s health over these past two months and the uncertainty of the coming days and weeks. When I was running on my favorite road the other day, I saw a sign that said, “Caution Rough Road—Pass at your own risk,” and I thought “Yeah, that sounds about right. Sometimes this sure isn’t easy.”
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Our first inclination when confronted with challenges may be fight/flight/freeze. That’s what our innate stress response does to try and protect us in the face of threat. Understandably, we might feel anxious, fearful, overwhelmed, or shut down in the face of big challenges. In that state, we may feel driven to hide from people.
BUT…
We are also wired for social connection. It’s as much a part of our evolutionary inheritance as our fight/flight response. Yet often, too often, many of us feel disconnected, or like we are going it alone. We may lose access to what I think of as our “thriving circuits” (our social engagement system) that allow us to feel connection with others, and to experience support, compassion, and care to help us through tough times. Sometimes this is because our old, conditioned beliefs get in the way:
- We think it’s not OK to ask for help.
- We think it’s weak to show certain emotions to others.
- We think we need to have it all together because everyone else does (even though they don’t, by the way).
- We think we should be able to do it on our own.
- We think “being strong” means not crying, losing it, or falling apart in front of others (or at all).
- We don’t want to burden anyone or drag them down with our difficulties.
The truth is we thrive best together and we need one another. Research consistently shows that people with strong social connections and social support are not only happier and healthier, but also more resilient in the face of stress and change.
What’s even more fascinating is how science is beginning to explain why we feel this way. Research from the HeartMath Institute has shown that our bodies pick up on the electromagnetic field of information that radiates from another’s heart. If someone in our presence is in a state of care or compassion, our own heart can detect such signals, and this helps our heart rhythms to become more synchronized and coherent. This means that simply being with supportive people can help shift our nervous system in positive ways that support our well-being.
Similarly, polyvagal theory explains that our nervous systems have the capacity to co-regulate with one another, meaning that one person’s nervous system (broadcasting cues of safety) can help to turn down the threat response in another person’s nervous system. The calm or compassion of someone nearby (detected through tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc.) can help us feel safer and more balanced, not only on an emotional level but on a physiological one, by shifting our nervous system to a state of more regulation.
When our nervous system is in a state of greater balance and regulation, we have access to more inner resources to help us meet psychological challenges. We can see a bigger picture, have more perspective, access more intuitive guidance, and experience renewing emotions such as care, self-compassion, and gratitude.
So, what do we do about the beliefs many of us carry that it’s not OK to ask for help, or that we’ll burden others, or other such beliefs that might get in the way of us seeking support or connecting with others?
Standford social psychologist Xuan Zhao shares research that shows how we tend to underestimate the willingness of others to want to help and we tend to overestimate the way others will feel inconvenienced. Those facts can help counter our tendencies to keep others out or go it alone.
The truth is, acts of kindness often benefit the ones helping by improving their states of well-being. So, it can be beneficial to remind ourselves that by letting others in, we may be helping them as much as they are helping us.
Here are some additional things that may be helpful:
1. First, identify if any old beliefs (see above) might be getting in the way of you seeking social support, allowing others in, asking for help, or lettings others know what you need. Recognize that many beliefs we carry around with us as if they are absolute truth are often inaccurate, distorted, or no longer serving us. Recognize thoughts are not facts. Be willing to loosen the grip, ask “is this really true?”—and then consider what new beliefs might best support your well-being at this point in your life.
2. Beware of wishing others to read your mind. It can be common to think “he should know what I need—I shouldn’t have to ask.” This is a trap I see many people fall into. Sometimes people do intuitively know what we need, but sometimes they need a little guidance from us. Most often, people want to help and be there for us, but they can’t always read our minds. Experiment and see what happens when you are willing to let others in on your needs and how they can best support you.
3. Identify from where you get the most social support and nourishment. For some people, this might come from being connected to their community in some way—perhaps a church, synagogue, or support group. For others it might come in the form of gathering with a group of friends, or having one-to-one time with an intimate partner, family member, or friend. For some people, feeling connection and interconnection with the natural world through nature can be an important source of comfort.
Whatever nourishes you, see if you might seek this out. This can be easier said than done because when we are already struggling, it may feel hard to find the energy or motivation to engage and it may feel easier to avoid such activities. But a little self-nudging can often have a big payoff. Research suggests that intentionally seeking activities we find positive or meaningful (that we might otherwise avoid) can not only decrease depressive symptoms but also improve well-being for both those suffering from depression as well as the general population.
As I’m writing this, I’m uncertain of what the coming days will bring for my dad and our family. But as he has always emphasized, family and connection are everything, whether that be our biological families, or family of friends, or our community around us. What I am certain of is this: Whatever happens, I will get through it because of the care of others standing by my side reminding me I am not alone.
